Wednesday, July 28, 2021

McConnell Accuses Americans Asking to Have Their Votes Counted of a ‘Naked Power Grab’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans have been fighting H.R. 1 — the updated Voting Rights Act passed in the late Congressman Jon Lewis’ name — quite aggressively since it was proposed.

In the weeks that followed last year’s election, Republican-controlled states started passing laws trying to circumvent the ways in which they lost control of the Senate and White House, essentially drafting bills that give state officials the power to set aside any election results they choose on less than solid evidence of fraud or cheating. Congressional Democrats, seeing the moves being made in red states, pushed forward with H.R. 1, but thanks to their extremely thin, one vote margin in the Senate, it was always going to require moderate Democrats like Sen. Joe Mansion (D?-WV) and Kyrsten Thumbs-Down Sinema (D?-AZ) to get them across the finish line, helping their supposed party sidestep threats of a filibuster by the Republicans.

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However, with Mansion and Sinema firmly in the Republicans’ grip, it seemed all but assured this morning that when the Senate takes up H.R. 1 later this evening, it will fail. Moments ago, in a speech on the Senate floor, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-Moscow) laced into not only elected Democrats, but “any and all Americans whining about not getting their votes counted.” McConnell insisted that minorities and women demanding the federal government protect their constitutional right to have their votes counted are “conspiring against America” and “trying to force their woke ideology of fairness and democracy” on everyone else.

“Your requests to have your votes counted are, for starters, extremely rude to the millions of Americans who don’t want you to win an election, and are awfully sad about how they can’t seem to win themselves unless they restrict whose votes get counted,” McConnell said, angrily wiping the dust off his crotch after rubbing a hunk of Kentucky coal on it for a solid four minutes. “Secondly, it’s very obviously all about power. Just because you think have more votes, that entitles you to direct things. Why? That’s, again, rude, but also wrong because I say so.”

McConnell chastised his “colleagues on the other side of the aisle” for giving Americans the impression they are “entitled to taxation and representation.”

“I don’t know which Marxist, George Soros-funded think tank put that talking point in your heads, but now you’ve really gone and done it,” McConnell howled. “You’ve given Americans the notion that they have a right to have their vote counted, regardless of whose feelings it hurts!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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