Saturday, September 18, 2021

McConnell ‘Happy’ the Supreme Court ‘Upheld the Right to Be Skeptical of Brown Voters’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-KY) heaped praise today on the Supreme Court’s 6-3 decision to uphold Arizona’s strict voting laws.

This morning, the conservative justices on the court continued to winnow the landmark 1964 Voting Rights Act to a legal nub. During the Obama administration, the high court’s conservatives assessed that racism had made so much progress in America that the VRA’s requirement that certain states seek permission to change any of their laws in regards to elections as unconstitutional. Obama faced a deluge of racist rhetoric and conspiracy theories during his tenure in the Oval Office.

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“I think this morning’s decision will go down in the annals of American history with Dred Scott and Plessy vs. Ferguson,” a grinning McConnell told reporters while rubbing a large chunk of Kentucky coal against his groin. “Americans have a right, and some would argue a duty, to not trust each other at the ballot box. That right extends even to our fellow racist Americans, of which I’m definitely not one, even though I very much so align myself with and benefit from the political power said racists impart.”

McConnell said that “every day, average, melanin-free, and therefore correct” Americans would celebrate today’s decision. He accused Democrats who want to expand voting rights of “participating in a dangerous plot to give people a voice in their government.” McConnell mocked efforts to compare new voting restrictions in red states to Jim Crow laws.

“Please, give me a break. If they were like Jim Crow laws, there would be a lot fewer Republicans around here on account of their erections being so full and turgid they’d keeping tipping over,” McConnell howled. “They don’t look near enough like Jim Crow to me. But all in all I am quite happy and pleased the Supreme Court upheld the right to be skeptical of brown voters.”

Leader McConnell insisted that Americans who are displeased with the Supreme Court’s decision today are “missing historical context” and even questioned their loyalty and patriotism.

“If you don’t love this country enough to learn about its rich history of treating people of color like garbage under the guise of protecting us from them,” McConnell said, “then I question your loyalty, quite frankly. It’s extremely radical, in this country, to trust brown people. What’s wrong with American traditions? I would ask my Democrat colleagues that.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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