WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two-thirds of the House of Representatives, the President of the United States, and several Senate Republicans have all worked together to break one of the least-surprising news stories of the year: Mitch McConnell is still a villainous, cartoon character piece of shit, and that doesn’t seem to show any signs of changing any time soon.
Millions of Americans are still out of work after the economy was largely shut down this year to fight the spread of COVID-19. Congress has only managed to pass a single relief package, at the very outset of the outbreak. Now, with Americans facing eviction and hunger, an effort had been made to increase the latest round of stimulus and survival payments from the $600 sum both Republicans and Democrats agreed should be more than ample for the plebs of this country to survive on, to a more generous portion of their own tax dollars, to $2000 per adult taxpayer.
RELATED: Secret Service Will Create a Trail of French Fries Leading Trump Out of White House on January 20th
Today, after a Herculean effort in the House to amend the payment, Senate Majority Leader McConnell removed his penis from the lump of coal he was fucking long enough to fuck over somebody else; the American people.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) on Tuesday blocked Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s (D-N.Y.) request to hold a vote on a House standalone measure that would boost the size of stimulus checks from $600 to $2,000 per person. (Axios)
In a related turn of events, just as McConnell was registering his objection to Senator Bernie Sanders’ motion to amend the amount in the relief bill to the $2000 mark, the American Institute of Evaluating Shit, or AIES for short, was conducting its annual audit of McConnell, and according to Dr. Darla Gilmour the AIES’ head of research, McConnell blocking the payment increase was the “final data point” they needed to conclude their audit.
“As of this morning, we can confirm that Senate Majority Leader McConnell is still a villainous, cartoon character piece of shit,” Dr. Gilmour explained. “His sole purpose in life seems to be royally screw over poor and minority Americans. And not only does he constantly hurt the working class, he is giddy about it. He gets off on it, clearly. Those are hallmark, defining character flaws of a cartoon villain piece of shit, and Mitch has them all.”
If Democrats can win two Senate runoff elections in Georgia next month, they could break McConnell’s grip on the body, and would have a very thin lead with the addition of Vice President Kamala Harris’ potential tie-breaking votes.
MORE: 106 House Republicans Sign Brief With Supreme Court Declaring Trump’s Genitals ‘Tasty and Habit-Forming’
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.