Dr. Valerie Gilgamesh, Chief Researcher at The National Institute of Looking Into Stuff, held a press conference today and announced that she and her staff have uncovered something unforeseen, if not all that surprising, about an elected member of Congress.
“Today, the NILIS is extremely pleased to announce the preliminary findings of one of the most important studies we’ve done in quite some time,” Dr. Gilgamesh said. “Obviously this data will need some more review and analysis, but at this time we can say with some degree of certainty that Marjorie Taylor Greene isn’t human, but just a sentient klan rally, masquerading as a single human.”
Dr. Gilgamesh says that her team hasn’t quite discovered the particulars in terms of how, or why, an entire klan rally morphed or evolved into the creature that calls itself Marjorie Taylor Greene. However, she said that the evidence is “pretty conclusive” and that her team is really looking forward to tearing apart more data to find those answers. Gilgamesh said that, thankfully for her team, the “more Marjorie opens her mouth, the more evidence we collect.”
“Of course, it’s bad for the country and the brain function of anyone who hears the words belching out from her face hole,” Gilgamesh conceded. “However, scientifically speaking, each time she opens her pie hole up, we get a massive amount of evidence that she’s a walking, talking klan rally. It seems a pretty simple formula: the more Marjorie opens her mouth, the more evidence we collect.”
At some point, the NILIS will tackle Greene’s origin story, Gilgamesh said. There are many questions she and her team have, and she looks forward to finding the scientific answers to them.
“Did a bolt of lightning strike a klan rally, causing all the hooded cousin-fuckers in attendance to fuse into one sentient life form with a horse face and an unquenchable thirst for attention,” Gilgamesh pondered aloud. “We’re just not sure, but boy there really does seem to be a lot of evidence to support that theory. Only time — and research — will tell.”
Ms. Greene was too busy screeching into her smart phone while recording a social media video to respond to this story.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.