LAKE MORON, FLORIDA — 39 year old Will Riccilumbo is an avid sports fan, so long as the sports in question are played by men. It’s not that he’s sexist, Will told us, it’s just that he doesn’t think women are naturally inclined to athletics and are more genetically suited to serve men.
“I like the ladies. I mean, I LOVE the ladies, okay? NO HOMO,” Riccilumbo explained to us, “but that doesn’t mean I wanna see them do sports stuff. Even if they’re better than me at it. In fact, that’s probably the biggest reason no guy I know actually watches chick sports What if you see a chick do something you can’t do? Might cause you to re-think a whole lot about your life, and that’s not what sports are for!”
Over the course of his life, Will estimates he’s watched “maybe two or three hours, tops” of female sports.
“I like watching beach volleyball during the Olympics, if you know what I mean,” Will joked before making sure we got what he was joking about, “because of their tits and asses.”
One thing Will knows for certain, though, is that if women’s sports start allowing transgender athletes to compete in them, he will boycott those sports.
“I’ll watch them even less than never! If we let transgender women play women’s sports, what’s next,” Will asked rhetorically. “Letting other people do whatever they want to do as long as it’s not hurting someone else? What kind of country is America anyway if we let people play sports with each other, no matter what their crotchal areas look like naked?”
Riccilumbo says his feelings aren’t rooted in fear or bigotry; they’re out of concern for the “fairness” of the women already competing in the sports.
“I’m sorry, but that’s just completely unfair to the women who play the sport,” Will explained to us. “Even though I don’t genuinely care at all about the game they play, or even the people who play them outside of this specific situation, I still have very strong opinions that I want everyone to hear and care about and tell me are important are valid.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.