HIDDEN GORGE, CALIFORNIA — This week, fifteen women throughout the country received the same letter from local resident Jerry Maloenelsexo, apologizing for his “inability” to bring them to a “full and satisfactory orgasmic climax” during a prior sexual encounter with him. The letter was drafted on a law firm’s stationery and sent via USPS Certified Mail. Mr. Maloenelsexo told us that he had had some time to do some thinking about his past romantic endeavors and had come to the conclusion that he, for the most part, had been a “shit-tastic lover” who “really just sucked at fucking.”
“I consider myself a pretty progressive guy, though I wasn’t always,” Jerry told us. “I grew up at a time where sexual equality was still being worked on, and while I never saw myself as some meathead neanderthal, I know I put a really value on getting laid, but it took me way, way too long to realize how important it is to make a woman cum. I know how stupid that sounds now, but when you start your sexual activity as a teenaged, throbbing hormone looking for gratification of an urge you really don’t understand, you already start from an unevolved standpoint. I sent the letter to my past sex partners, though, because I had an epiphany about just how rotten I really must have been as a lover.”
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Jerry says he was so awful about and during sex, he’s quite sure his former lovers have created a sort of secret society to commiserate about having sex with him, and also to swap embarrassing stories about him. Maloenelsexo says he’s “not even mad” if they do “get together to talk shit” on him, though. He deserves all the ribbing, teasing, mocking, and criticism he gets because of just how bad he was at helping the women he was having sex with get off too.
“I presume they all have some kind of Facebook group for Former Lovers of Jerry or whatever,” Jerry suggested. “They probably trade embarrassing stories about how quickly I came, and how long they went without cumming, which was the entire time for, like, way, way too many of them. I deserve it all though. I mean, I just…had no idea how easy and important it was to take care of her needs first. It’s like, duh, once you satisfy her, it doesn’t matter how quickly you pop off, and frankly, given how weird I am, they probably would have welcomed my premature-ness if they’d already gotten what they needed out of the ordeal.”
For the most part, Jerry says he “usually had her enjoyment” in the forefront of his mind during his sexual activity with the ladies he sent the letter to. But he says that he was young and inexperienced and that led to him being “really, really, really unaware of making them cum first.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want help them cum. I just had absolutely no idea what the fuck I was doing. Every now and then, a lady would take me under her wing and show me, for instance, how to go down on a woman with any kind of efficacy. But for the most part, I was just humpin’, pumpin’, dumpin’, and that’s just about it. I’m so ashamed, now, that I think about it. What’s the point of bangning a couple dozen women and not helping any of them cum? Of course women think I’m selfish if they’ve fucked me; because frankly I was.”
So far, Jerry says he hasn’t gotten a lot of responses back from the women he sent his letter of apology to, but he isn’t offended.
“One very nice lady wrote back to say it was no big deal, and that I helped her realize how important it was for her to make sure she got off and handle it herself if needs be,” Jerry said, “but I haven’t gotten any other responses yet. Maybe they don’t remember me, and I couldn’t blame them since I’m sure to them the sex was utterly forgettable.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.