Friday, November 26, 2021

Local Idiot Thinks Presidents Control Gas Prices

BARONTOWN, MISSISSIPPI — Town moron and well-known local idiot Matthew Palumricci admits that he has no earthly clue how, exactly, prices in the oil and gas markets are determined, nor what typically makes them rise and fall, at least not according to facts or reality. That doesn’t mean Matthew feels he is ignorant, or unaware of why gas prices have climbed in the last weeks to record highs in some places, and near record highs in others, however, and he’s not afraid to tell the world what his ignorance-based opinion on the subject is.

“Obviously this is Joe Biden’s fault. President’s clearly have direct, Constitutionally mandated power over gas prices, and even though presidents from both parties have been in office when prices have soared in the past, this time, without a doubt, it’s only Sleepy Joe Biden’s fault,” Palumricci told us during a phone interview.

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“I have heard people say things like ‘OPEC’ and ‘capping production’ and stuff, but I don’t know about all that; I barely pay attention when people start using smart words and shit. Besides, all that sounds like a bunch of fake news liberal intelligentsia crap when my simple feelings on the subject are prolly more correct-er anyway. Presidents control gas prices, period.”

Palumricci has gone so far as to scour his pocket Constitution for the passage that gives the executive branch direct control over gas, but admits he has come up empty handed.

“Funny thing is — not only did I fail to find the section on gas price controls, I couldn’t even find mention of the words ‘capitalism’ or ‘Jesus Christ’ in that thing, either! I know it’s in there though, Rush Limbaugh told me for decades it was! So clearly, George Soros got to the Constitution, too!”

As soon as Matthew locates evidence that presidents control gas prices, he plans to contact “the only person” he thinks has the “courage and balls” to stand up to Biden.

“I’m gonna call Marjorie Taylor Greene, and tell her add making my gas go up to her impeachment charges she’s got on Biden, that’s what I’m gonna do,” Palumricci told us.

“That’s what you do, when you’re an idiot. Sometimes you need to take your case to an even bigger idiot, and have her fix what’s wrong. In my estimation, ain’t no one no dumber than Marjorie.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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