PHARDT’S PEAK, GEORGIA — Every doctor we interviewed was completely unable to explain how it happened. By all accounts, having half of his brain removed should have left 45 year old carpenter Chet McRaymond less intelligent than his congressional representative, Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA).
Despite the fact that Rep. Greene’s brain, according to official government medical records has approximately 15% cognitive capacity of a normal human brain, when Mr. McRaymond underwent a lobotomy at St. Anger of the Shitty Snare Sound’s Memorial Hospital, it should have rendered him “much dumber” than Greene, at least that’s what the surgeon who performed the operation told reporters at a press conference this morning. Despite the odds, when Mr. McRaymond awoke in the recovery room after his lobotomy, he was twice as smart as Greene, and sixteen times smarter than Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO).
“We cannot explain it. It truly makes absolutely no sense to me. In all my years in medicine, I have never seen such a result,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux told reporters this morning, “but the surgery I performed to lobotomize Mr. McRaymond has, in fact, left him twice as smart as Rep. Greene. We can’t promise he’ll remain this smart, and it should be noted that no matter what happens with Mr. McRaymond , Rep Greene will remain dumber than this box of pens here on the podium.”
Hornaydieux pointed to a box of ballpoint pens.
“The surgery was performed, and when he started to have our suspicions about it, we contacted the House Republican conference, hoping we’d be able to verify if Chet did indeed come out on the other side of his surgery smarter than Mango — excuse me, Marjorie,” Hornaydieux said. “They provided us with her phone number, and one thing led to another.”
Dr. Hornaydieux explained how he and his team confirmed that Chet was, indeed, twice as smart as Rep. Greene.
“We administered a battery of tests that were designed to see if the part of her brain that stores all the anti-Semitic, transphobic, racist stuff she spouts makes her as stupid as one might presume,” Hornaydieux said, pointing to various official looking charts and graphs. “As we had suspected, thanks to all that stuff, the blob of KY Jelly that’s in her skull is quite remarkably stupid when compared to a normal human brain. So that’s why, even with a full 50% of his removed, Chet’s brain is superior to her…whatever she calls her brain.”
Chet is, according to the hospital staff, recovering nicely, and should be discharged from the hospital in under a week’s time. Rep. Greene could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.