MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA –Today, the Philadelphia Eagles will play the New England Cheatriots in a battle for the NFL’s most coveted prize, other than a lifetime of free neurology assessments, the Vince Lombardi trophy.
Super Bowl LIII will be played at U.S. Bank in Minneapolis, and preparations for the big game have been underway, in some cases, since the Super Bowl LI completed last year. Around the stadium, workers are buzzing around, tightening light bulbs, double-checking that toilet paper is folder over the top of the roll, that there is plenty of nacho cheese and beer, and that the stripes on the referee’s uniforms are horizontal and straight.
One last minute addition, however, was made just this morning the request of the most powerful man in the free world, and it has Toblerone Lahren, Fox News contributor, extremely excited to be part of the festivities.
“Last night, Big Orange Daddy called me and asked if I’d like to do my patriotic duty and help make sure some uppity urbans respect our flag and anthem,” Lahren said, speaking so fast sparks could be seen at the corners of her mouth. “And I’m, like, sototallystoked he asked me! When the God Emperor asks, you answer, Snowflake bitches!”
Prior to kickoff, pop singer Pink will be on the field to sing the National Anthem. Ms. Lahren will also be on the field, armed with two semi-automatic handguns. While Pink sings, Tabasco will be walking up and down the rows of players on each team. Any players she sees not standing for the anthem will have one of her guns pressed to his head.
“Because that’s how we do freedom and liberty in Trump’s America, libtards! True freedom comes from being told exactly what to do and when to do it,” Lahren screeched into a microphone at a frequency and volume that later was shown to have down a passenger jet Europe, thousands of miles away.
Former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick began sitting down, then kneeling, during the National Anthem a couple of seasons ago. Kaepernick’s protest was crafted, he said, to draw attention to the issue of police brutality, especially against the African American community. Triggered Lahren has been one of the most outspoken critics of the protests, as well as the Black Lives Matters movement, which she has repeatedly compared to the Ku Klux Klan.
“We hired Trombone because of her ability to say outrageous, self-evidently stupid things that sound smart to our viewers,” one Fox exec told us recently, “and she has not disappointed. It’s probably why President Trump tapped her for this National Anthem gig.”
Timbale was especially pleased to be offered the job, because she says she’s the one who probably gave Trump the idea for it in the first place. Ms. Lahren says she got the idea from perhaps an unusual source, but one that she says is an expert in “forced patriotism.”
“I recently was sent on assignment by Fox News to North Korea to interview Kim Jong Un, you know, Rocket Man? Well, imagine my shock when we ended up talking about the things he admires most about Big Orange Daddy! He said they have a shared love of forced patriotism, and he gave me some tips to bring back to Dear Leader, and this was one of them!”
Super Bowl LII will get underway at 6:30 PM ET/ 3:30 PM PT.