Saturday, January 16, 2021

Jordan: Winning Back House and Impeaching Hunter Biden’s Laptop Are GOP’s Top Priorities

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Exactly when, or if, most congressional Republicans will decide to acknowledge Donald Trump’s loss last month is still quite up in the air. As such, when one of Trump’s loyal perineum shiners on the Hill says something that seems to indicate a willingness to admit that Joe Biden will be the country’s next president, it makes national headlines.

This morning, one such development occurred. Speaking to reporters staked out in front of the Freedom Caucus luncheon this afternoon, Jordan spoke about what he and his fellow caucus members discussed during their lunch together. The first priority for the next session of congress for the Freedom Caucus will be helping the GOP win back control of the House of Representatives.

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“Once we have secured control of the House again,” Jordan explained, “that’s when we can strike. We’ll impeach Hunter Biden’s laptop. Then we’ll see who’s laughing last, won’t we?”

Jordan would not divulge what exactly he believes Hunter Biden’s laptop should be impeached for, however he implied that it won’t just be the president-elect’s son ensnared in the controversy and scandal of it all.

“Let’s just say that I have it on good authority that this goes all the way to the top,” Jordan insinuated, “and that we might be talking about what Hunter Biden’s laptop knew about Benghazi, and when. All I can say for now is that if I was member of the Soros Antifa Squad Sponsored by ObamaCo, I would be getting very nervous about Republicans retaking the House in 2022.”

Hunter Biden’s laptop did not comment on this story. However, a letter written by some of Hunter’s other office supplies in defense of both Hunter and his laptop has been provided to this outlet. A portion of the letter is reprinted below.

“We are unsure just what it is that Rep. Jordan believes our friend is guilty of, nor what elected office Mr. Jordan plans to eject our pal from,” Hunter’s pen, pencil, and paperclip wrote, “but we wanted to just remind everyone that Hunter Biden’s laptop has never ignored credible allegations of sexual misconduct made by young athletes in his care. Nor has Hunter Biden, or his father, Sleepy Joe. We’d love to say the same thing about the congressman, but we’re not allowed to lie anymore, so…”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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