Jerusalem Jesus Awakes From Three Day Slumber And Sees Shadow, Predicting Return Of Winter

This morning, Jerusalem Jesus, the plucky mascot of Israel, predicted that there would be a return to winter weather.

Three days earlier, Jesus entered his coma like trance as he was placed in a very rustic looking sleeping suite, known more traditionally as a “tomb.” Christ was not heard from for three days, until he arose this morning to see if he saw his shadow. A large crowd gathered in front of Christ’s tomb/suite this morning to await his proclamation.

Despite the first official day of spring passing just a few days ago, as has been the tradition in Jerusalem for over 2000 years, Christ awoke from a three day slumber, rolled the door to his sleeping crypt open, and stuck his head out. Looking down on the ground, Jesus saw his shadow. Before going back inside the tomb to sleep a little more, Christ made a proclamation, as he has for over two centuries.

“Hey everyone, it’s me! Jerusalem Jesus! Your ol’ pal is back again,” Christ said with a bounce to his step and cadence. “Unfortunately though, I did see my shadow when I came out, so that means a return of winter. Sorry, but I don’t make the rules. Oh wait, yeah I do!”

The crowd erupted with laughter.

“So, I’ll see you all this same time next year. Keep your heads above water, or should I say…WINE,” Jesus quipped.

Again, the crowd roared with laughter.

“Man, I know I say this every year, but it’s amazing how little rest you get being dead for three days,” Christ joked.

Once more, the crowd laughed loudly.

“And does anyone have any Holy Tylenol, because Mesus Christ do my hands hurt,” Jesus said with a glint in his eye as he showed the crowd his bloody hands. “But that’s okay, it is finished, for now.”

Again, the crowd gathered laughed hysterically.

“Okay, really though folks, I gotta go now,” Christ said. “I only got to spank it one time this morning, and I think I’m ready for a second cumming.”

Men, women, and even children peed themselves with true glee at Jesus’ last joke of the year.

James‘ satire is found on this site, The Political Garbage Chute, Alternative Science, and Alternative Facts.

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