Saturday, October 23, 2021

Harvard Med School Opens the Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Virology Research Center

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS — Harvard Medical School has accepted a large grant from pop star Dr. Nicki Minaj, and will open a brand new virology research center partially in her name.

“We are extremely pleased to announce that Dr. Minaj’s contribution will allow Harvard Medical School to build and open the Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Virology Research Center,” Harvard Medical School’s Executive Media Contact, Dr. Bensen Hornaydieux told reporters this morning. “The lab will be tasked with looking into not just what the COVID-19 vaccines do or don’t do to a genital fruit basket. It’ll also look into the testicular effects of every vaccine and drug on the market.”

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While Harvard would not disclose the exact amount of Minaj’s gift to the university, Hornaydieux did divulge it was large enough to have a massive research lab constructed, and this lab will be quite unique.

“It’ll feature all the things you’d expect in a top notch medical research facility,” Hornaydieux explained, “but it’ll also have a vocal booth, a control room, and a really nice vintage Neve board so that you can drop hot tracks while you look into whether or not a vaccine made your cousin’s friend’s balls swell, or defective in any way.”

Minaj tweeted that she is “excited to get to work.”

“Our work will not be tainted by anything other than good scientific research, though things could get a little nutty from time to time,” Minaj tweeted. “Stay tune, and look for our lab’s first single, Believing in Dumb Shit, dropping this fall!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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