WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman congresshorse Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) told reporters today that, after watching Taliban forces reclaim much of Afghanistan after nearly twenty years of U.S. occupation, she decided to place a phone call to their leadership.
“I got on the horn with a guy, I couldn’t pronounce his name, so I just call him Johnny Taliban,” Greene explained this morning, “and I asked him how in the hell he did it. I was just blown away at how quickly his people toppled their government and installed a right-wing theocracy, fam!”
Greene indicated that she believes Johnny Taliban might be able to help her and “other like minded, pro-freedom, anti-vote counting MAGA patriots.” Specifically, Rep. Greene hopes that the Taliban can train Americans to fight, so that “another January 6th doesn’t happen.”
“At least, another January 6th that we lose. Of course I’d be down with a January 6th we won,” Greene said. “because nothing is worse than elitist libtards who tell us we have to count votes, just because people cast them. We all know that white people have a right to cast doubt on any brown vote they see. If we are forced to live in a society where we lose power just because we didn’t get more votes, AMERICA IS OVER!”
Beginning just a few short days ago, Taliban forces began their quest to restore themselves to power, bolstered by the withdrawal of U.S. troops from the region. A negotiated deal between the Trump administration, the Taliban, and Afghanistan was honored by President Biden, who later told the country he stood fully behind his decision, despite the fact that the Taliban and regained much of the control they lost through the course of the war.
“I told that dude that he and I have a lot in common,” Greene explained further. “Namely, we both want to be able to use our belief in an imaginary deity to force everyone to live the way we want them to, and we both have no problem killing people to get that done. Talk about a match made in heaven!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.