Monday, January 18, 2021

Ghosts of Christmases Past, Present, Future Confirm McConnell Has No Soul to Save

“Quite frankly, I’d rather take a shot at saving Satan himself,” the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come told us at one point during our three-hour interview with him and the Ghosts of Christmases Past and Present. “Because trying to save Mitch McConnell’s soul is like trying to find a unicorn. It’s literally impossible.”

The Ghost of Christmas Past was even more unequivocal in her refusal to visit Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) on Christmas Eve this year.

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“Hardcore fuck that. No thanks. Not interested,” the Ghost of Christmas Past said, “I don’t make it a habit of wasting my time on people you can’t save. He’s vile, but it’s not like we haven’t saved vile people before. This is literally just a case of us not being able to save someone’s soul because he very clearly doesn’t even have one.”

Each year, the three ghosts are given a task that seems simple on paper, but proves to be quite difficult — saving the soul of an old, rich white man who has spent his entire life not caring about anyone but himself. This year, McConnell was the one who was slated to get the call, but almost immediately upon finding out what their mission was, the ghosts protested to management, and a major discussion was had among all parties.

“None of us wanted to go and visit Mitch. But if we were able to determine he had a human soul worth saving,” the Ghost of Christmas Present explained, “we’d have done it. Grudgingly, of course, but it’s not like we loved every single other guy we visited. It’s just, well, McConnell is so evil and so cruel and mean, we figured it was just a big waste of everyone’s time, that’s all.”

While it is still unclear if the ghosts will end up visiting McConnell anyway, given their contractual obligations, the Ghost of Christmas Future said they don’t plan to “put any real effort in” toward saving him.

“Why would we try to save Mitch McConnell’s soul? What’s next,” the Ghost of Christmas Future asked rhetorically, “asking us to swim to Mars? The man is like Scrooge on steroids, but not even remotely as capable of empathy! It’s like asking us to make one and one make three. It’s just, well, frankly, completely impossible. I just hope the higher-ups give us a pass on Mitch so we can work on someone less repugnant and salvageable.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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