LAKE FUKFAYCE, FLORIDA — For one of Donald Trump’s most loyal congressional servants, there will never be another president, and he means that quite literally.
“HI! I’M CONGRESSMAN MATT GAETZ AND I REFUSE TO LOWER MY VOICE FOR THE SAME REASON I REFUSE TO WEAR A MASK. BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY ANYWAY,” Gaetz shouted at reporters as he arrived at a boat rental shop in South Florida this morning. “I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM NEVER GOING TO RECOGNIZE ANYONE ELSE BESIDES DONALD JOHN TRUMP AS PRESIDENT. AND I MEAN THAT FOREVER. EVEN AFTER HE DIES, DONALD TRUMP WILL STILL BE THE LEADER OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AND WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRESIDENT!”
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Gaetz spent much of the last four years constantly providing public defense and cover for Trump’s actions. The Florida Republican, who also happens to be a fan of testing his state’s DUI laws and how they interact with his father’s money, has indicated he will join in the doomed-to-fail efforts of his fellow GOP congressional reps when the Electoral College vote is certified on January 6th, 2021. Yesterday, Gaetz tweeted his belief that the Republican Party should be rebranded the Donald Trump Party.
I’m not going back to yesterday’s Republican Party.
THIS IS DONALD TRUMP’S PARTY!
— Rep. Matt Gaetz (@RepMattGaetz) December 27, 2020
“I TWEETED IT, AND I FUCKIN’ MEANT IT. THIS IS DONALD TRUMP’S PARTY, AND HE CAN CRY IF HE WANTS TO,” Gaetz shouted. “I AM SORRY BUT FAR TOO MANY OF MY SENATE COLLEAGUES SEEM WILLING TO ABANDON OUR DEAR PRESIDENT WHEN HE NEEDS THEM THE MOST, AND I WILL NOT SIT QUIETLY WHILE THEY ABIDE BY THE RESULTS OF A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION WHEN THE RESULTS ARE SO MEAN TO DONALD TRUMP!”
When asked why he has decided to tether his political fortunes to a man who never won the popular vote, never had his approval rating get above 48%, and has just lost his re-election bid, Gaetz scoffed after he vomited the six pints of gin he’d had this morning all over his shoes.
“YOU WANNNNA KNOW WHY,” Gaetz slurred, “I’LL FUCKIN’ TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE I AM A REAL PATRIOT. AND REAL PATRIOTS DON’T EVER ABANDON THEIR DEEPLY UNPOPULAR, ONE-TERm, IMPEACHED SORE LOSER CRY BABY PRESIDENT! NOT EVER! THOSE ARE MY ROCK-RIBBED CONSERVATIVE PRINCIPLES AND I AM STICKING BY THEM UNTIL THE BITTER — OH SHIT EXCUSE ME.”
Gaetz ran off, shitting his pants and vomiting as he did.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.