ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Republicans in the state of Georgia have been conducting audits of the 2020 election, presumably to find evidence to bolster claims that the de facto leader of the political party and death cult had his win stolen from him. While nothing that looks like evidence to most sentient adult human beings has been found as of yet, the GOP in the Peach State is already readying itself to audit two more past elections.
“Once we wrap up the 2020 audits, it’s high time we get down to the business of checking into two more extremely consequential elections that we believe may have been stolen from their rightful winners,” Georgia Republican Party official Tom Thompaulsen told reporters at a press briefing today. “If we don’t figure out if the 1860 and 2008 elections were truly fair and free, we might not ever feel confident in our electoral systems ever again!”
Thompaulsen said Republicans have a “right to only accept election results they like.”
“If we don’t like ’em, they shouldn’t legal,” Thompaulsen declared. “That’s only fair.”
Most Americans are familiar with both election years. In 1860, Abraham Lincoln was elected as the first Republican president. In 2008, President Barack Obama was elected as the first African American president, who also happened to be a late 1990’s era Republican on most policies. Thompaulsen says that even though he can admit it might be “far too late to do anything” about what his investigations uncover when he audits 1860’s and 2008’s election, that won’t deter him.
“I mean, I know deep down our 2020 audit is meaningless political theater, but at least we can use them to justify making it illegal to vote Democrat in our state,” Thompaulsen said. “Auditing 1860 and 2008 will just help us back up the urgency with which we make those laws and enforce them. The wrong men were made president those years, with or without election fraud, in my view.”
Thompaulsen says, though, that he’s still quite hopeful that “something positive and history changing” could come out of auditing 1860 and 2008.
“I mean, I have to imagine if we prove Obama wasn’t the real president, that makes any law he signed null and void, right? So goodbye Obamacare,” Thompaulsen explained. “We can’t re-fight the Civil War, but we can certainly prove that tyrant Lincoln never had the authority to wage war on our beautiful confederacy!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.