WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House have reported that over the weekend, President Donald Trump caught as much of the 2018 Winter Olympics that he could. Trump enjoys spending time watching television and tweeting about what he sees, but he primarily sticks to the programming on Fox News. However, staff was able to convince him that the Olympics were a “bigly enough” deal, one source says, to get him to flip the TV over to NBC, but only after assuring him that there would be absolutely no “fake news.”
“Good, because I hate seeing my own words, in context, used against me,” Trump said with a huff as Stephen Miller glided over an a cloud of black, sulfurous smoke. “Go ahead and change the channel, Stephen, but I better see America winning, or we’re turning it back to Fox.”
Miller changed the channel on the Oval Office TV while Trump pressed the button on his desk for a Diet Coke. After the Diet Coke was delivered, Trump set his attention to the event on the TV. It was curling, and Trump’s eyes fell upon the screen just as an American curler was taking her shot.
“WHAT IN THE FUCK? WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING, NAZI EQUIVOCATING FUCK IS THIS,” Trump bellowed. He was angry about something, aides could tell, but the president had only been watching for a matter of seconds, and they couldn’t figure out why he was so mad. Then, he told them. “Why is that woman kneeling? We do not kneel! WE NEVER FUCKING KNEEL IN THIS COUNTRY!”
Kellyanne Conway tried in vain for ten minutes to explain the rules of curling, and how from a purely physics standpoint, curlers need to kneel in order to throw or glide the rock down the ice with any kind of precision. Trump, however, was not impressed nor convinced by Conway’s explanation. He seethed with anger.
“I knew this was going to happen. I tried to convince you guys to let me lock up those uppity nig – URBAN — football players for not standing for the anthem,” Trump said, “but you kept whining about due process this, and Constitution that. Now look what we have. ANARCHY. American athletes all over the world kneeling! It’s an embarrassing, shameful thing to see.”
Just then, John Kelly walked OJ Simpson into the room. Kelly informed Trump that Simpson would be working in the White House. Trump suggested they create a female outreach task force, and that Simpson lead lead it, with the help of his friend Bill O’Reilly.
“What was I saying? Oh right, it’s SHAMEFUL and extremely DISTURBING to watch athletes take a knee! Don’t they know all lives matter, blue lives matter more, and my life matters most,” Trump screamed. “And since my life matters most, they should know that embarrassing me or doing things I don’t want them to do is very, very, very, very, very bad?”
Reaching for his phone, Trump told the White House operator to get the U.S. Olympic Committee on the phone. Within moments, he was speaking to Larry Probst, the USOC’s chairman. Trump commanded Probst to relay to every athlete on every team in every even that they are to do their event standing up.
“But sir, what about the luge,” Probst asked.
“STANDING,” Trump screamed back in response.
“And the bobsled? They are to stand in the sled,” Probst asked, doubt and uncertainty apparent in his voice.
“FUCKING. STANDING. AT. FULL. ATTENTION,” Trump shouted, slowly and angrily.
Probst said he would do his best to relay the message to all the U.S. athletes in South Korea. Trump, placated at least temporarily, thanked Probst for his time, and ordered up another four Diet Cokes and a bucket of KFC. Trump, bored with the Olympics, asked Miller to put the TV back on Fox News, so he could watch something that didn’t upset him.