Did you recently storm the capitol, vandalize it, harass the police, and act like a total moron for a few hours until the FBI swat team and national guard came and broke up your attempt to make the south rise again? Did this happen after you tried unsuccessfully for two months to overturn a free and fair election because you feelings got hurt, and you lost five dozen court cases on the matter? Are you finding it hard to keep and maintain your insurrection for longer than a few hours?
The Food and Drug Administration has approved a new drug for immediate use, developed to treat your insurrectile dysfunction.
“We are pleased to announce our new drug, Getthefuckoveritol, will be available for immediate prescription throughout the United States,” PharmTec CEO Kathy Kimball told investors on a Zoom conference today. “We hope that patriotic, triggered Americans saddened by the electoral process laid out in the Constitution they profess to love so very much, will seek the medical attention they need and talk to their doctors about whether Getthefuckoveritol is right for them.”
Developed in what she called “record time,” Getthefuckoveritol chemically enters the perturbed patriot’s brain and begins to calm it, chemically. Ms. Kimball said that Getthefuckoveritol was specifically designed to help the human brain filter out propaganda, lies, and misinformation about elections. That’s because those things are “leading and contributing factors in developing a raging case of insurrectile dysfunction.”
“After what we witnessed in D.C. yesterday, we knew that we had to get the FDA to approve Getthefuckoveritol as soon as was remotely possible,” Kimball said. “The sooner we can get these gunned-up, ammo hoarding, Christian American patriots settled back down we can calm the violence and unrest in our streets.”
Kimball warned that a side effect of Getthefuckoveritol is that those taking the drug may stop screaming about stolen elections, and won’t storm any government agencies again, but they will “revert back to some expected Republican talking points.”
“They’ll be talking about two genders, gun grabbers, and taxation being theft a whole lot more, so loved ones should be prepared for that,” Kimball said. “But the good news is that their insurrectile dysfunction will be managed and they won’t be committing any acts of violent sedition, at least.”
Getthefuckoveritol will be shipped to pharmacies throughout the Bible belt starting next week.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.