NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Eric Trump, the third-most intelligent male crotch fruit of President Donald J. Trump, is convinced that the election was stolen from his daddy. He doesn’t have anything that legal scholars would call “evidence,” but that has not prevented Eric from tweeting with the hashtag “#RiggedElection,” while claiming that rally size crowd should mean more than actual votes that are cast.
In a barrage of tweets like the one seen below, Eric has been relentlessly though baselessly attacking the integrity of the election. He has offered no explanation for why he thinks down ballot Republican races should be considered legitimate even if he argues the top of the ticket, with his father on it, should be considered suspect. Despite having no evidence that the election was tampered with in any way, Eric has continued to tweet that the election was “rigged” against his father.
— Eric Trump (@EricTrump) November 16, 2020
This morning, speaking on Newsmax TV, Eric gave the most in-depth explanation of his allegations to date.
“It’s so obvious this thing was rigged. You can tell by the fact that my daddy had thousands of maskless, mouth-breathing morons at his rallies in the middle of a pandemic,” Eric insisted, “and Sleepy Ko-Keepy Biden didn’t even have big rallies, because all his supporters are so afraid of the China Democrat Hoax Virus, just because almost a quarter million Americans died because of it! I don’t buy it! We all know the best way to tell if someone will win an election is how many stupid people are willing to expose themselves to a deadly virus to attend a pep rally!”
Ultimately, Eric spent fifteen minutes being interviewed by the Newsmax host, but still managed to not mention a single scrap of actual evidence to back up his claims of widespread electoral fraud. However, Eric did offer his most lucid, thought-out explanation for why he believes as he does. An excited Eric told the American people why they can’t trust the results of this election, unlike literally every other previous election, including the won that put his father in office, just four years ago.
“You can tell it was rigged! It was so rigged! It’s so obvious,” Eric said, vamping. “You can tell the election was rigged because Daddy didn’t win! If he had won, then clearly that would have been proof that it was not rigged. But we all know two things — Daddy is a great businessman, and he won the election! END OF STORY!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.