NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President Donald Trump’s most intelligent son named Eric was spotted at a Manhattan pet store, shopping for a bevy of canine-related products.
“The doggy’s gonna need a bowl, and a leash, and some food, and some chew toys,” Eric Trump was overheard telling his assistant. “I want that doggy to have everything it needs when it arrives. It’s coming from some far off land called Eye-Rack, I guess! I’ve never had a foreign dog before! I’m so excited!”
Mr. Trump apparently got the impression that his father had gotten him an Iraqi puppy for Christmas over the last couple of days.
“I keep hearing people say Daddy’s wagging the dog in Iraq! I was worried it was another year where he didn’t get me anything for Christmas — on account of him thinking I look too much like Gary Busey,” Eric told his assistant. “And Daddy really doesn’t get along with dogs, because they don’t like people who don’t care about anyone but themselves. But obviously I was wrong! I’m getting a dog from EYE-RACK!!!!”
As excited as the prospect of a new doggy made him, Eric did share some concerns he had about its safety and well-being with the staff of the pet store.
“They said on the TV box that Daddy’s dropping bombs in Iraq to wag the dog,” Eric told the cashier, “so I’m a little worried that Daddy will kill the doggy before I get to play with it. Then again, Sarah Huckabee Sanders isn’t working for Daddy anymore, so at least the chances aren’t too good that her brother will play with it before I get to, which means it should live a little while longer. As long as daddy doesn’t kill it before it gets to America.”
Reportedly, as soon as Eric had left the store, having paid for what appeared to be thousands of dollars worth of dog-related items with a credit card associated with a charity for kids with cancer he started with his father, he called the president at the White House, the excitement in his voice audible for blocks.
“Do we have to just wag it, Daddy? Can’t we walk it,” Eric asked as soon as dad came on the line, “and play with it, and name it Cuddly Bear, too?”
The president had no fucking clue what Eric was talking about.
“I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, Male Not Ivanka Number Two,” the president addressed his son with his traditional moniker. “Please, son, I’m a very busy man. I have a war to tweet our country through!”
Eric told his dad he was very confused.
“I’m very confused, Daddy! The man on the television said that you’re wagging a dog right now,” Eric explained, “and you know I’ve been begging you for a dog for years. So I thought maybe…”
Trump cut his son off.
“Let me cut you off right there, Not Ivanka,” Trump said, “I have to ask — were you watching the FAKE BOB MUELLER’S ANGRY DEMOCRAT FBI LOVERS NEWS again? How many times have I told you not to do that?”
Eric was sure he wasn’t watching the fake news this morning.
“No! Daddy! Someone on Fox News said it,” Eric started to say.
His father the president was furious.
“WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK,” Trump shouted so loud you could hear him out on Pennsylvania Avenue, “those cucks! Those ungrateful cucks! They know better than to put someone on MY airwaves who says such things. That is it! THAT IS IT!”
Trump hung up with his son and picked up the phone again, shouting orders at the switchboard operator.
“GET ME THE JOINT CHIEFS, NOW,” Trump ordered, “it’s go time. I hereby order a drone strike on Fox News! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!”
The president was shouting so hard and so much that it caused what doctors are calling a “fart attack” in his body.
“The president is resting comfortably in his bedroom, the First Lady attending to his every need,” Dr. Bunson Hornaydieux reported, “and he tends to listen to Ivanka, so we think she’ll get him to calm down…one way or the other.”
The president’s fart attack apparently came before he could finish the drone strike order officially, and so Fox News employees are on guarded standby, but do not expect an air assault today. Eric Trump was last spotted at a local dog park, surveying the scene and talking to anyone who would listen about how much he was looking forward to playing with Cuddly Bear.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.