Saturday, September 18, 2021

Elon Musk Decides to Buy and Delete Twitter Instead

SWILLYCORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Last March, billionaire tech guru and entrepreneur Elon Musk made waves when he very genuinely and sincerely offered to buy Facebook and delete it. This outlet was the first to cover the story.

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

Reportedly, the excitement from investors was quite palpable at the time.

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

Ultimately, Mr. Musk decided against the move. Citing his lack of interest in the subject anymore, Musk told investors a few weeks later he was “shelving” his plans to buy the social media giant and would instead focus on his new bong startup company and the line of cologne he started called Elon’s Musk.

However, just this past week, on yet another call with investors, Musk revealed that he was back in the market for a social media platform. This time, though, he’s decided to set his sights, potentially, on Twitter.

“Right, so Billy and I were at the local sporting team’s game this weekend, and we started talking about how bummed we both were that we hadn’t done the Facebook thing,” Musk said. “It would’ve been fun, and probably gotten rid of a pretty good chunk of the conspiracy bait and racism on social media.”

That’s when Billy suggested that Musk take another look at buying Facebook, but Musk said it was “too late” for that.

“I’d already gotten bored with the idea, and when I get bored with an idea, it’s done in my book forever,” Musk said. “But Billy did get me thinking about how I could maybe buy and delete another social media platform.”


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Musk told investors that he ultimately settled on Twitter for a “couple of key reasons.”

“Firstly, every time I get in trouble with the FTC or NASA or something, it’s because of tweets, which were never supposed to carry that much weight,” Musk explained. “I mean, they used to just be 140 characters, and now they’re only double that. Why are we, as a society, putting so much importance on these little random thoughts that can be no longer than a handful of sentences long, at best?”

Musk cleared his throat

“Also, let’s be completely honest. I’d probably wipe out a third of the white nationalist accounts on the Internet,” Musk explained. “I figure that’s probably worth some kind of national prize or something. Initially my plan was just to do the obvious and ban all the Nazis, but then I realized any algorithm I wrote to find white supremacist tweets would probably kill off half the Republican congressional Twitter accounts, so it’s just faster to nuke the whole site.”

Mr. Musk is apparently not thinking about stopping with buying and deleting Twitter, either.

“Imagine what the world would be like if I bought and deleted 4chan and 8chan,” Musk said. “And maybe the McDonald’s website. I’m a Burger King guy. I don’t know. I have a lot of money and get bored pretty easily. Maybe I’ll just buy an island and make it so you can only access Twitter on that island. Who knows?”

This is a developing story.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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