|The following editorial was written by conservative commentator Dustin Pewpson. It does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of this publication, its ownership, or management.|
When our Founding Fathers — note, please, libs, that there were no founding “mothers” because LADIES knew their place back then — drafted the second-most important written document besides the Bible, they wrote into it one of the most important legal frameworks in the history of human kind.
An amendment so perfect that to this day it withstands the test of time and doesn’t at all look like a bit of a dangerous relic from a bygone era. Of course I’m referring to the Second Amendment, and its high holy promise of a gun for every moron, dickhead, and idiot who calls themselves a “patriot.” But apparently there are a few other amendments in our Constitution, and the First Amendment gets a lot of attention too.
Since it’s in the Constitution, as a freedom loving, liberty-championing patriot, I love the First Amendment. I may not understand it. I may have only read it the one time in elementary school, but that’s still one more time than I’ve read the entire Constitution, and I love the shit out of it! So let me just say right here and right now: I love free speech. There is probably nobody who loves free speech more than me.
I love free speech so much that I spend most of my time on social media defending it. Who do I defend it from? The far left, that’s who. The radical, Antifa-sponsored, George Soros backed, ecoterrorist cancel culture social justice warrior millennials. The ones who tell us we can’t just keep pretending racism doesn’t exist and then act surprised when victims of systemic racism get fed up and lash out.
The ones who say to us, “You can’t tell that joke because it’s racist and if you do, you’ll literally be canceled and put in a FEMA camp to die of socialism.”
In fact, I love freedom of speech so much I hate critical race theory. I understand that at its core, critical race theory is just a discussion of the innately racist structures and institutions in American life since its inception. I understand that in that regard, it’s really the epitome of free speech, thought, and expression — but I hate it! And in fact, I want to outlaw it. That’s why I support efforts by great Americans in the Republican Party to ban critical race theory.
Does anyone know how dangerous it is to discuss racism with kids? What if they start getting crazy notions like they should read history books, or worse yet, read about things from firsthand, primary source accounts? Just think about how threatening that is. To me. And people who look like me.
I don’t want my kids being challenged. I don’t want them pumped full of historical facts. I want them indoctrinated with MY points of view and MY reality, and I want them to know only the facts that I think they need to continue to live as if the 20th and 21st centuries aren’t real. Freedom of speech and thought should not allow teachers to tell my kids things that make me uncomfortable, and therefore I think it’s perfectly reasonable to fine, or even imprison, teachers who would seek to impart wisdom and knowledge on such a dangerous level to our kids.
Please, I implore you, fellow Americans. Embrace our American exceptionalism, and the glorious Constitution. Fall deeply in love with freedom and liberty, just as I have. Lube up and penetrate the values we hold so dear.
And then, join me in making a historically accurate point of view literally illegal. It’s the only way to secure our future; by whitewashing (literally) our past.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.