Saturday, September 18, 2021

Highly Anticipated Durham Report Concludes Joe Biden is Still Donald Trump’s President

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For more than a year, pro-MAGA Americans have been on pins and needles awaiting its arrival. Now, finally, Inspector General John Durham’s report on the origins of the government’s investigation of potential collusion between foreign operatives and former, one term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump, has been filed, and it’s sure to make national headlines.

In summary, what the Durham report concludes with “firm accuracy and undeniable reality” is that Joe Biden is president now, Joe Biden will be president tomorrow, and that Joe Biden will remain Donald Trump’s president until such time as the Constitution or some other force of nature says he is no longer president.

Pat Robertson Blames ‘Hot Men Doing Sexy Times on Each Other’s Fannies’ for California Wildfires

“When this investigation started, Donald Trump was president. However, in the ensuing time, Joe Biden was elected,” Durham’s report states. “So, no matter what else our team discovered in regards to how the government ran its investigation into former President Trump, there is nothing the investigation could ultimately do to remove Biden from office.”

Reaction on the right, in pro-MAGA circles has been predictably swift and angry.

“Clearly someone got to Durham. It’s just my theory, but I bet this has something to do with Benghazi,” Congressman Darrell Issa (Q-CA) told Fox News this morning. “It’s a sad day when we can’t count on hand-picked political appointees to shred the Constitution and insist that we un-elect a Democrat.”

Freshman Congresshorse Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) whinnied and stamped her feet in disgust while discussing the report with Steve Bannon on his podcast.

“Steve, I’m just grateful that come September 34th, our Dear President will be back in office,” Greene shouted. “So he can personally round up and exterminate every single anti-American Antifa Democrat who all clearly got to Durham. We all know that eighteen trillion illegal Mexican votes were implanted by the ghost of Hugo Chavez into Arizona and Georgia voting machines! And as soon as we make up the evidence, we’ll present it!”

Louis CK, Bill Cosby, and Bill O’Reilly Next on Producers’ Shortlist to Host “Jeopardy”

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


 

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

More articles