FARTS-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH — An annual competition to find the world’s dumbest man named “Donald Trump” is a statistical tie at this point. Each year, two men fight it out in what organizers call a “battle of fuckwits” and the winner is crowned the Dumbest Donald Trump in the World.
“Over the years, this competition has been really fierce. Both men are capable of saying and doing unbelievably stupid things,” one source told us on the condition of anonymity. “One guy stares at eclipses, and the other guy was too stupid to prosecute for his crimes, according to Bob Mueller’s investigation. These are two titans of thick-headedness always leave it all on the field, so it’s anyone’s guess who’ll win this year.”
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The competition has been annual affair since 1977. For the first few years, the older idiot was the victor, time after time.
“Even though babies technically don’t know literally anything when they’re born,” our source explained, “the older guy in the competition still won out, and not just because he’d stamp his feet and throw a tantrum bigger than the younger guy was even capable of throwing. The older one simply had less knowledge than his newborn son.”
No matter who wins each year, the loser does not, cannot, and will not accept the outcome.
“The fact is, it’s almost pointless to declare a winner, because the loser always accuses of them of cheating,” our source said. “It’s annoying and childish, but then again, what about this family isn’t?”
There’s one Trump family member who reportedly is devastated and jealous that he was not invited to participate in the competition.
“Why come me no get to try to be Dumbest Don Trump, too,” Eric Trump was overheard screaming as he threw his toys out of his crib this morning. “ME WANT PLAY TOO!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.