America’s most bitterly public divorce just got, somehow, even more testy. That’s because outgoing lame duck one-term President Donald Trump and his Vice President Mike Pence are now openly feuding over who gets custody of the children still in cages in concentration camps along our southern border. According to several sources with knowledge of the situation, the spat is getting harder and harder for the rest of the Trump crime family to ignore.
“President Trump has maintained the same position he takes in every custody fight — that he doesn’t want to see the kids ever again,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters today in front of the White House, where uncontrollable sobbing and screaming about 80 million Twitter followers could be heard coming from the Oval Office, “and the issue is that Vice President Pence has maintained his historical stance that he doesn’t want or like brown people. So, needless to say, we’re at a bit of loggerhead here.”
According to reports, the relationship between Pence and Trump — once considered one of the hottest bromances in politics — began to cool significantly after the president incited a murderous mob against Congress and Pence, who was at the Rotunda to count and certify Trump’s loss to Joe Biden. Reportedly, many in the mob who ransacked the capitol were looking specifically for Pence. Gallows were even erected outside the building for the purpose of hanging Pence and others who the pro-MAGA crowd felt had betrayed them, and the president.
“For four years, nobody has been closer to President Trump’s ample rear end and perfectly puckered colon than the vice president,” McDitzydick said, “with the exception of Matt Gaetz, Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, and Devin Nunes, of course. The Vice President felt extremely hurt by the fact that the president didn’t tell his angry mob to leave him alone, and that’s where the fallout started, to be sure.”
On January 6th, just hours before the riot took place, Pence sent Congress a letter, affirming that he did not have the right to summarily decide which Electoral College votes to certify. This incensed Trump, and he took it out on his Vice President as he was whipping his crowd into a violent frenzy. Reportedly, Pence was so angered by what he felt was a betrayal of his mouth’s loyalty to Trump’s rectum, that he began the process of filing the divorce paperwork with the D.C. courts the very next day.
“I don’t think anyone in this administration ever thought the relationship at its very core could ever be shaken,” our source tells us. “I mean, just because someone has a literal lifetime of treachery, backstabbing, and abandonment well documented from his past, does that mean he absolutely will be the same person when he’s president? If so, someone should have warned us this could happen!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.