Saturday, September 18, 2021

COVID-19’s Delta Variant Will Officially Sponsor All Future Trump Rallies

Donald Trump’s SuperPAC has reached a deal that will, according to their latest press release, “keep operating and overhead costs associated with Trump rallies down quite bigly.”

“After a few days of intense negotiations, the COVID-19 Delta Variant, which FOREVER PRESIDENT DONALD JOHN TRUMP feels he deserves at least some credit for, will officially sponsor every Trump rally until further notice,” the press release states. “President Trump looks forward to continuing his close relationship with COVID-19, through its Delta variant.”

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According to the Delta strain of COVID-19, the decision to sponsor Trump rallies was “the easiest one” its ever had to make. In a new interview airing on OAN, the Delta variant explained why it decided to pony up the cash necessary to become the official sponsor of every future Trump rally.

“Well, there is only a certain swath of the population that’s outright refusing to get the vaccine for political reasons. Some Americans aren’t vaccinated because they can’t get access to it, or don’t know how,” the Delta variant explained. “But Trumpers who don’t believe in being vaccinated for political reasons? Hell, that’s a target, built-in audience for me, so of course I’m gonna jump at it.”

Recently reported on data seems to suggest that the overwhelming majority of new COVID cases are coming from the unvaccinated population. Additionally, recent polling suggests there could be a political motivation for people living in certain areas of the country to decline a COVID-19 vaccination. Virologists have repeatedly reminded the population that the more people who are vaccinated, and the sooner herd immunity can be achieved, the less danger something like the Delta variant would cause.

“I’m just as surprised as anyone that people were duped into making a vaccine a political football. It saves you from potentially dying and makes me pretty much a preventable disease,” the Delta strain told us. “Still, I’m not going to pass up that opportunity to synergize and get myself tapped into the very market I’m hoping to dominate for generations to come. Some opportunities truly only knock as many times as moronic cult leaders scream at their idiotic fanbase.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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