Thursday, June 24, 2021

Dear Libs: Stop Making Fun of Our Elderly President’s Man-Gunt

The following editorial was written by Dustin Pewpson, a conservative columnist and former Trump administration official. The views and opinions expressed below do not represent this publication, it’s ownership, or staff. They also don’t really represent carbon based, sentient life forms’ views and opinions either.

Dear Libs,

Hardy-har-har. Laugh it up, Commies. It’s just nice to see tears coming out of your eyes that aren’t from you crying about being subjected to the best presidency in the history of the United States. It’s nice to see you crying out of joy for once, instead of outrage just because we tried to do a traditional insurrection after we lost the so-called election.

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Side note: Why would they put “ection” in both “election” and “insurrection” unless they were pretty much the same thing? CHECKMATE, LIBS.

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But, really. Enough is enough. You’ve had your fun and laughed your mean, rude, immature laughs. It’s time for you to stop now. Stop making fun of our elderly former president’s man-gunt.

Right now.

We’ve all had enough. Frankly we’ve had E-NOUGH of your jokes. Leave his man-gunt alone. A man lives for as long as Donald Trump does, and he’s entitled to a gunt. Do you have any idea how much golfing you have to do, how much work you have to pretend to be engaged in, in order to develop such a regal, presidential looking gunt?

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If you ask me — it sounds like you’re all jealous. Jealous of his fake fortune. Jealous of his multiple bankruptcies. Jealous of his ability to fail time and again in life and still get rewarded with fame and fortune. And, clearly, you’re jealous of his man-gunt.

At the very least, you’re jealous that no president you’ve ever voted for has both a gut and a cunt. And I’ll take this time, right now, to point out that it was the GOP, not the Democrats who got the first cunt into the Resolute Desk’s chair. So, when you mock Trump’s gunt, you’re probably being a sexist. At least that’s the bad faith argument I’m making right now.

The thing that really gets me, though, about all this mockery of our Dear President’s splendid lipid-genital pouch is that he would never be so mean or so rude to any of you. Trump would never mock someone for how they dressed, or how they looked, or talked! For four years we had the kindest, gentlest man in office, who would never insult, mock, or abuse people like this.

Unless they were Democrats. Or members of the press. Or Republicans who didn’t do whatever he told them to. Or someone who he perceived as his enemy. But everyone else? He was a soft, gentle, kitten to.

To put a button on all of this, I ask you to consider our feelings, for once. Put yourself in our shoes. All we’re asking for is some kind of space, that can be safe for us to feel our feelings. All we want is to be coddled, and treated like the special, unique people we are.

Stop being so mean to us, you literal devil worshiping baby killers!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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