Saturday, January 16, 2021

Cruz Says He and His Ugly Wife Are Appalled By Pro-Trump Violent Mob He Incited

WASHINGTON, D.C.  — Just days before the violent pro-Trump mob ransacked the capitol building, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Taint) was riling up angry Republicans who believe that the election was stolen from them because all the votes ended up being counted after all. Cruz was seen telling crowds he would “stand shoulder to shoulder with them” as the contested the already certified results, and was one of the loudest voices incorrectly telling Trump supporters the results of the election could still be overturned.

As irony would have it, Cruz was finishing his speech, objecting to the certification of Arizona’s Electoral College votes, when the angry mob he helped to incite started to break through into the Rotunda. What transpired afterward was a day of violence, vandalism, chaos, and mayhem. Thus far, five Americans have lost their lives as a result of the riot, surpassing the total number of Americans killed in the Benghazi terrorist attacks.

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While it’s unclear when, or if, Cruz will ever take any responsibility for the violence he helped foment, today he attempted to clean-up his image, at least somewhat. In a tweet to his followers, Trump told everyone he and his ugly wife Heid are “lifting up in prayer the family” of the capitol police officer who was murdered by a pro-Trump rioter with a fire extinguisher. Cruz called the riot a “terrorist attack” and said it was a “horrific assault on our democracy.”

By the time of publication, almost 100,000 people had replied to Cruz’s tweet, many of them angry at him for trying to appear sympathetic and responsible after inciting a violent mob.

Hours after sending the tweet, reporters found Cruz heading to the capitol cafeteria, and he agreed to answer some questions about the riot, and his condemnation of it.

“You can ask my very ugly wife Heidi this, and she’ll tell you the truth,” Cruz explained, “my timing can sometimes be a little off. Like when I fart instead of orgasming when we’re doing the physical act of coitus like you non-lizard humans do. She’s learned to deal with the smell, look me right in the eyes, and then punch me square in the face; it’s the only way I can actually cum, is when I’m being abused, which is why I got so cozy to Donald Trump for four years, if you can believe it.”

Joe Biden will be sworn-in as the 46th President of the United States on January 20th, 2021.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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