HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — The novel coronavirus woke up to perhaps the best news in its career as an infectious disease: it had been nominated for a major award.
“Good morning! We’re here to announce the nominees for the 69th Annual Infectious Disease Awards,” actress Lindsay Lohan, standing next to actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas, said this morning in a specially televised ceremony. “These nominations represent awards that are given to the best and the brightest, most virulent infections in the eyes of the academy.”
About ten minutes into the announcement, Lohan and Thomas got to the Best Virus in a Best Actor in a Lead Role category.
“This year, this category has only one nominee,” Lohan began, “and that’s the Novel Coronavirus, who now resides in Tom Hanks, who everyone knows could and probably should win the Best Actor Oscar every year he decides to appear in a film.”
Hanks announced yesterday that he and his longtime wife, actress Rita Wilson, have tested positive for coronavirus infections. The pair are currently in Australia shooting a motion picture. Hanks said in a social media post that he and Wilson had started to feel a little ill, with common coronavirus symptoms, and per the guidelines of medical professionals, had themselves tested for a coronavirus infection. Both Wilson and Hanks tested positive.
Hanks’ Instagram post is below.
In a statement to the press, coronavirus thanked the academy for the nomination, and said it was hoping to be able to accept the award in person later this year.
“However, as hard as people are working to eradicate me,” COVID-19’s statement reads, “I might not be strong enough to attend the awards banquet personally. So please, just understand for a humble virus, this kind of award is truly an honor, and I hope to see everyone to thank them myself for this tremendous gift.”
Mr. Hanks is reportedly already in talks to play COVID-19 in a biopic next year. It’s unclear at this time if Hanks will get in a motion capture suit and COVID-19 would then be animated, or if it will be a strictly live-action film. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has already nominated Hanks for a Best Actor Oscar for playing coronavirus, making him the first actor in history to be nominated for playing a virus inside himself.
“If anyone can play this role, it’s Tom Hanks,” one industry insider said. “Frankly, at some point we’re all going to have to consider just letting him play every single role in every single film.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.