WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new poll just released shows that a majority of Americans wouldn’t mind it in the slightest if a coronavirus outbreak was able to be contained to just the Oval Office.
Conducted in the past 48 hours by We Poll You So Hard in conjunction with CNN, the poll shows 68% of respondents wouldn’t care if an outbreak of the novel coronavirus, which is currently causing alarm among medical professionals around the globe, happened to occur just in the Oval Office. 60% said they “really, really, really hope” that’s what happens. About 50% said they hope it spreads to the room where cabinet meetings are held.
“These results are fairly conclusive,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, chief researching with We Poll You So Hard, told reporters this morning. “Most Americans are hopeful that Vice President High Priest Pence’s pray the virus away plan will work, but are also resigned to the fact that it probably won’t, and therefore are hoping the virus is smart enough to only attack the Oval Office. There’s of course zero scientific basis for such hopes, but there’s also zero scientific basis that the Trump administration will know how to handle an outbreak, so here we all are, face to face, millions of Silver Spoons.”
The poll also indicates there are several other places Americans would be less worried about an outbreak of coronavirus taking place.
“It would appear that the Vice President’s residence, Devin Nunes’ totally real dairy farm, and Congressman Jim Jordan’s gym are all places Americans wouldn’t worry too much about having to face down the coronavirus,” Hornaydieux said. “Everyone we spoke to said they knew it doesn’t work this way, and were just wishfully thinking, but there is significant data that shows an outbreak that’s contained only to the Oval Office, those places, and apparently the NRA headquarters wouldn’t bother most people in this country.”
Yesterday, President Trump announced that Vice President Pence would head-up the task force responsible for controlling coronavirus in the U.S. Today, as part of his day on that job, Pence ordered the CDC to dramatically increase its ability to warehouse thoughts and prayers. Pence says they’re the key to keeping an outbreak at bay.
“In times like these, it might be quite tempting indeed to listen to the words of doctors and other scientists, but I must tell you how dangerous that is. Because all of the alleged knowledge they claim to have came from one place, and it wasn’t their textbooks in government indoctrination colleges. Their knowledge comes right from God himself.” (The Political Garbage Chute)
Polling data suggests there are a number of other diseases and illnesses Americans wouldn’t mind ravaging the White House.
“Explosive and incessant diarrhea, impotence, male pattern baldness, taint cancer,” Dr. Hornaydieux listed, “all of these things are what the American people, in general, are hoping manage to pop up in the Oval Office. Our data seems to show, as well, that a large portion of the electorate hope President Trump licks a public urinal twice a day.”
There was one more “very interesting” conclusion We Poll You was able to draw from their data, Hornaydieux announced. 70% of those who took the survey said there were many more diseases they were “much more concerned” about spreading throughout America.
“Overwhelming majorities of people said they were much more concerned about a viral outbreak of MAGA-ism, Trumpitis, or Restless White Nationalist Syndrome,” Hornaydieux said. “Sadly, though, those diseases have already started to spread over the last few years. Luckily, there’s a vaccine called ‘voting’ that does wonders for these illnesses.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.