Tuesday, April 13, 2021
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CATEGORY

Science/Tech

Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse

KARMA VALLEY, OREGON -- 53-year-old self-described "health guru" Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed, positive result from the COVID-19 test he was given by...

CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone to resist the urge to use their own tongues like...

David Avocado Wolfe and Gwyneth Paltrow Appointed to Coronavirus Response Team

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though his administration is telling Americans that the coronavirus has been "contained" in the United States, President Donald Trump is still...

NRA Backs Trump’s Proposed ‘Second Amendment Cure’ for Coronavirus

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA -- The National Rifle Association has released a statement supporting an unorthodox idea floated by President Donald J. Trump's. Reportedly, last night,...

CDC Issues Guidelines for Safe Handjobs During Coronavirus Outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Centers for Disease Control issued a new set of guidelines to Americans today, aiming to teach them the "proper, hygienic...

We Interviewed a 2-Month Old Fetus and Got Its Feelings on Abortion

In 1973, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Roe vs. Wade that the Constitution's right to privacy ensures that women have the right...

Trump Worried Too Many Solar Panels Means Humans Might ‘Suck Up All the Sunlight’

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Presdident Donald Trump today told reporters that "one bigly reason" he supports the push for the return to coal as opposed...

Trump Orders Facebook and Twitter to Force Users to Like and Follow Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- It's been no big secret around the nation's capital that President Donald Trump is very concerned with his social media presence,...

Mark Zuckerberg Probably Won’t Mind Us Publishing That He Fucks Sheep on Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook, enjoys fucking sheep. At least we're pretty sure he does. Well, let's just say we're sure enough...

Starbucks Asks Customers Not To Open Carry Vape Pens in Stores

SEATTLE, WASHINGSTONED -- Coffee retailer Starbucks is joining a growing list of businesses that is asking customers not to bring personal items into their...

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