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Divorcing Pence and Trump Argue Over Who Gets Custody of Imprisoned Children at Border

America's most bitterly public divorce just got, somehow, even more testy. That's because outgoing lame duck one-term President Donald Trump and his Vice President...

Ben Carson Confident He’s Going to Win Donald Trump’s Chocolate Factory

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- If he hangs on for just another few days, Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson will win Donald...

Ted Cruz Hands Arsonist Gas and Matches and Tells Him to Stop Setting Fire to Stuff

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- He would later tell reporters he "wasn't quite sure what was thinking," but today Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump's Taint) found...

Trump Tells His Kids He Expects To Be Called “President Daddy” The Rest of His Life

ALL OR PARTS OF THIS STORY WERE FIRST PUBLISHED BY OUR SISTER SITE, ALTERNATIVE FACTS. IT IS USED WITH FULL PERMISSION BELOW. WASHINGTON, D.C. --...

Convicted Killer Set Free After Showing Up To Sentencing in a Blue Shirt and Badge

FORT ACAB, TENNESSEE -- A man convicted of first degree murder was unexpectedly released from custody today. While this development in and of itself...

Smokey Bear’s New Slogan: “Only YOU Give a Shit About Your Baby’s Gender”

In 1944, the United States Forestry Department unveiled their new mascot -- Smokey The Bear -- and within three years Smokey was seen uttering...

Men’s Rights Activist Demands Wife Bake Cake to Celebrate Anniversary of Male Suffrage

DICKHEAD, NEW JERSEY -- Matty Palahmbo is a men's rights activist. In his mind, that puts him on the "frontline in the war on...

Man and Weed Dealer Have Agreement Not to Discuss Politics

LOS BURRITOS MOJADOS, CALIFORNIA -- Every couple of weeks, 40 year old computer programmer Jim Lawrence buys a half-ounce of cannabis, or marijuana, from...

Disney Assures Visitors They Can Still Hurl Racist Insults at Employees While Riding Updated Splash Mountain

ANALSLIME, CALIFORNIA -- This week, Disney became the latest corporation to reconcile its problematic past when it comes to racism in its content when...

Cop Would Rather Resign and Only Beat His Wife If He Can’t Have a Tank and Machine Gun At Work

KEITEL, MINNESOTA -- Lt. Chad Jughedd is "about as pissed off" as he's ever been, he told us during a Skype interview this weekend....

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