Monday, January 25, 2021
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Man Finds Ted Cruz Drowning and Throws Him a Cement Life Preserver

James Schlarmann - 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- While it's not clear at this time exactly why Senator Ted Cruz went for a swim in the Potomac river last...
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Lifestyle

Biden Cancels White House Subscription to Ivanka’s OnlyFans

James Schlarmann - 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In about a week, First Lady Ivanka Trump is going to need to find herself a new job, because she won't...
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Dating/Relationships

Divorcing Pence and Trump Argue Over Who Gets Custody of Imprisoned Children at Border

James Schlarmann - 0
America's most bitterly public divorce just got, somehow, even more testy. That's because outgoing lame duck one-term President Donald Trump and his Vice President...
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Lifestyle

Ben Carson Confident He’s Going to Win Donald Trump’s Chocolate Factory

James Schlarmann - 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- If he hangs on for just another few days, Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson will win Donald...
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Lifestyle

Ted Cruz Hands Arsonist Gas and Matches and Tells Him to Stop Setting Fire to Stuff

James Schlarmann - 0
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- He would later tell reporters he "wasn't quite sure what was thinking," but today Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump's Taint) found...
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Lifestyle

Trump Tells His Kids He Expects To Be Called “President Daddy” The Rest of His Life

James Schlarmann - 0
ALL OR PARTS OF THIS STORY WERE FIRST PUBLISHED BY OUR SISTER SITE, ALTERNATIVE FACTS. IT IS USED WITH FULL PERMISSION BELOW. WASHINGTON, D.C. --...
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Lifestyle

Convicted Killer Set Free After Showing Up To Sentencing in a Blue Shirt and Badge

James Schlarmann - 0
FORT ACAB, TENNESSEE -- A man convicted of first degree murder was unexpectedly released from custody today. While this development in and of itself...
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Lifestyle

Smokey Bear’s New Slogan: “Only YOU Give a Shit About Your Baby’s Gender”

James Schlarmann - 0
In 1944, the United States Forestry Department unveiled their new mascot -- Smokey The Bear -- and within three years Smokey was seen uttering...
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Lifestyle

Men’s Rights Activist Demands Wife Bake Cake to Celebrate Anniversary of Male Suffrage

James Schlarmann - 0
DICKHEAD, NEW JERSEY -- Matty Palahmbo is a men's rights activist. In his mind, that puts him on the "frontline in the war on...
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Lifestyle

Man and Weed Dealer Have Agreement Not to Discuss Politics

James Schlarmann - 0
LOS BURRITOS MOJADOS, CALIFORNIA -- Every couple of weeks, 40 year old computer programmer Jim Lawrence buys a half-ounce of cannabis, or marijuana, from...
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