DUMPHUQ RANCH, TEXAS — Former President George W. Bush, since he left office after his two terms, has maintained a relatively low profile. Despite overseeing two new wars as commander in chief during his time as president, Bush never really publicly weighed-in on any of the international challenges that faced his immediate successor, former President Barack Hussein Obama. Even during the first couple years of President Donald Trump’s administration, Bush has kept up a steady absence from public life, appearing only briefly at his father’s funeral, for instance.
However, with America locked in an escalating conflict with Iran, a country Bush once declared part of an “axis of evil,” apparently he has decided to reach out to Trump and offer his services to the former reality-TV competition host. Bush, in a formal letter sent to the White House, offered to give Trump “counselship and tacticalistic advice” on how to run a war in the Middle East. Bush reasons in his letter that “outside ol’ Dicky boy” he’s the most qualified man in the country to give Trump tips on how to successfully manage a war with any country in the region.
“Deer [sic] Mr. President Trump Sir,” Bush’s letter opens, “As you know, Mr. President, I have quite a lot of expertisian advice I could give you, when it comes to waging war in the Middle East. Not only can I help you figure out how big your MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner needs to be, I can help you figure out the bestest and most theatrical way to announce your victory, even if the war you’re celebrating the end of won’t technically be over for, like, another decade. But I come to you now, President Trump, not just to discuss the opticals of professing and celebrating your victory; I come to you now to offer you counselship and tacticalistic advice on how to actually win a war in the Middle East, or even the Inner East. But prolly not the Outer East, if I’m being honest.”
Bush’s letter states that of the living U.S. presidents, none are more experienced and “capable of leading America to victorious winning” in the MIddle East than he is.
“You could make a good argument that Dick Cheney is probably a more qualified president than me, and that’s why I never had any problem deferring to his judgment on all things,” Bush writes, “but from a strictly technical standpoint, he’s more machine now than human, and I’m not sure if he can legally be called a ‘living’ president. So, outside ol’ Dicky boy, I’m the best guy you got to help you winnify and victorialize your war with Iran.”
Former President Bush told Trump that if his offer is accepted, he’ll bring some “innovational and revolutionary new war planning tools” to the White House.
“I got Battleship, Talking Battleship, and if I can find all the pieces, Trouble,” Bush told Trump, “but the pop-o-matic bubble on that one is busted, so maybe I’ll bring over Chutes and Ladders instead. I’ve always felt that war is much like Candyland, so maybe I’ll have Laura run by WalMart with me on the way over to the White House and we’ll pick it up. Ooh! And I could get some snacks and a couple DVDs of old war movies! Wanna have a sleepover? That seems like lots of fun! And we can play, like, ‘cops and robbers,’ or maybe, ‘politically motivated hunts for justifications for wars of choice.’ Your call, of course, Mr. Pres!”
Within the White House, reportedly there is great debate over whether or not to accept Bush’s offer.
“You know that old adage about too many cooks in the kitchen? Well around here,” one anonymous source told us, “there’s a modified version. We talk about there being too many hands up the puppet’s ass. That’s why we had to limit access to President Trump. He’s such an empty headed, vapid, self-obsessed doddering old fool that he’s very highly suggestible. Which means just about anyone can control him, if they flatter him enough. So there are some people here who worry about whether they’ll have to take their hand out of the puppet’s ass, so to speak.”
Senator Lindsey Graham, a longtime proponent of war with Iran, told reporters he thinks Trump should consider taking Bush up on his offer of help.
“Frankly, I think we’re gonna need all hands on deck on this thing,” Graham explained. “Every American should follow their patriotic duty and help our Dear President win the war with Iran. Clearly, with his track record of enormous success, bringing former President Bush in would be an absolutely brilliant move. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to keep drinking heavily to kill that little voice in my head that keeps telling me the opposite of the words that come out of my mouth hole.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.