Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Breaking: Joe Biden Is Still Your Next President

In a completely foreseen and very precedented development, former Vice President Joe Biden is still your next president. There are millions of Americans, spurred on by the delusional rantings of a would-be tyrant, who believe this might not be the case. However, according to facts and reality, no matter what a certain piss-haired white collar criminal may say to the contrary: Joe Biden is still your next president.

It was true after the first lawsuit filed to challenge the results was rejected. It was true after the 50th case was rejected. It was true after the Supreme Court declined to hear Texas’ attempt to whine millions of legitimate votes out of existence. Even after Sen. Ron Johnsoninski held his hearing probing the 2020 election results in a last ditch attempt to fellate the White House occupant publicly, it was true that Joe Biden is still your next president.

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This is happening for a number of reasons, but ultimately it comes down to just a few, basic factors. In an effort to educate the public and keep them informed, here now are the deciding, critical factors that lead to the unavoidable truth — Joe Biden is your next president.

  1. You live in the United States.
  2. The United States held a presidential election in November of 2020
  3. Joe Biden won that election

There are literally no other factors worth considering.

While there have been numerous allegations of cheating, fraud, and other forms of electoral chicanery, none of them have been proven in court, and none of them would impact enough votes to alter the outcome. It is true that Republicans are entitled to continue to feel as hurt and sad about the election as they want, and to even believe untrue things like the election was stolen from them. However, anybody wishing to live their lives in the present reality will have Joe Biden as their next president.

In fact, even those who believe in all the outlandish conspiracies will still have Biden as their next president. We checked with several constitutional scholars, and none could find any clause in our country’s founding documents that overturn election results on the basis of hurt feelings. Despite all efforts by certain forces to change that fact, they cannot. Joe Biden will be your next president, and Joe Biden is your next president.

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This story will be updated if anything changes.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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