Friday, November 26, 2021

Super Brave, Heavily Armed Patriot Too Cowardly to Shout ‘Fuck Joe Biden!’ at NASCAR Race

BEDFORD FOREST, MICHIGAN — He estimates that he has roughly six dozen guns, though he brings in new weaponry to his militia’s armory so often that keeping an exact inventory is quite difficult. He runs in the same circles as the men who plotted to kidnap and execute his state’s governor. Even though he hasn’t spent any time in any actual branch of the armed forces, he considers himself courageous and competent enough to wade into a war zone, and kill enemies of the United States, with his bare hands if he has to.

One thing Will Riccilumbo will not do though? Shout “Fuck Joe Biden” when he attends NASCAR events.

Brandon Can’t Go, Because He Got COVID, Took Antibacterial Horse Dewormer for It, and Died

“That’s just a bridge too far for me. I much prefer ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ instead,” Riccilumbo said during a taping of his podcast this week.

“This isn’t something patriotic and decent like storming the capitol or kidnapping your governor; this is public potty words! I know the socialist commie cuck soyboy bitches out there don’t understand this, but cussing in public is wrong, against God, and really should be illegal, and if it weren’t for whatever cuck who wrote the Constitution not limiting free speech to what doesn’t offend Christian Patriots, it would be!”

During the previous administration, Riccilumbo had railed against Americans who he said were “rudely and meanly” chanting things about the president. He was particularly incensed when he’d see “Fuck Trump” shirts and signs in public.

“Ohhhh, great examples you’re giving to your children, libtards! Cussing up a storm. Try elucidating an actual argument for once,” he howled during one podcast episode in particular.

Now, Riccilumbo sees things differently, though he has not publicly commented on his previous admonishment of liberals for saying the same thing, but in decoded language.

“If saying Let’s Go Brandon, and you know what we REALLY mean when we say it, if that offends you? Too bad, libtards, move to a country like North Korea then,” Riccilumbo insisted.

“I mean, you won’t like it there because their leader actually gets along with Trump, but whatever. You do you. The rest of us are gonna do some more Let’s Go Brandon chants and there ain’t a thing you can do about it, fam.”

Which of These Adorable Outfits Goes Best With Kyrsten Sinema’s Depraved Indifference to Human Suffering?

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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