THE FORESTS OF ENGLAND — Despite the fact that he is now without arms and legs, the Black Knight has decided to let his pending litigation play out in the Courts Who Say “Nih!” and will concede his fight with King Arthur. The goodly king is the one who has rendered the Black Knight armless and legless, using his sword Excalibur to expertly slice and remove the knight’s appendages from him with rather forceful strikes, hacking off the body parts with clean, quick, and perhaps even comical precision.
“Tis merely a scratch! And I’ve heard rumors that your sword was made by George Soros,” the Black Knight was heard shouting at King Arthur as he lost his right arm. “I can still fight! I can still win this thing! Have at, you!”
The Black Knight was clearly outmatched, but with every swing of King Arthur’s sword that landed, chopping off an arm or a leg, the knight’s resolve only seemed to increase.
“Merely a flesh wound, I tell you! Also, why haven’t more of my observer’s been allowed to watch this fight,” the knight demanded. “Sure, we are in the middle of a forest and anyone can watch, and right over there is my friend Harold and he’s been watching the whole time, but there are irregularities we simply must investigate and the courts are the only venue for those investigations!”
As he lost his second arm, draining him of the ability to do anything but kick in futility at King Arthur, the Black Knight announced he had filed a lawsuit against the king, contesting the results of their sword fight.
“I would be remiss if I didn’t officially tell you, King Arthur, that I have filed a grievance with the Court Who Says ‘Nih!’ and I expect they will overturn the results of this fraud that you have perpetrated on the good people of England,” the Black Knight proclaimed. “The courts will give me back my limbs! You just wait and see!”
But soon, the Black Knight was down to just one, last leg. Hobbling around, hopping on the one foot he had left, the knight kept on trying to do some kind of damage to King Arthur, who was very clearly the obvious winner of this contest.
“I still have the one leg, don’t I? I still have a leg to stand on, and that’s the leg I’ll stand on in court,” the Black Knight said. “They’ll make this better! They’ll reverse every blow you’ve struck me with! They’ll give me back my dignity and – ”
There went his final leg with one, last, sweeping attack from Excalibur’s sharpened edge.
“Son of a bitch,” the Black Knight was heard saying as his body with just his head attached, fell to the ground in a heap, spraying his blood everywhere. “I can still win this! You’ll see! Just you wait and see! The courts will declare me a winner after all! And I’m pretty sure the Electoral College still has to certify this fight!”
King Arthur was last seen skipping away, his loyal servant clapping coconut shells together behind him as they left the Black Knight to bleed out on the forest floor.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.