WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has served America as an elected public official in one form or another for most of his adult life. This experience means it’s pretty hard to surprise the president when it comes to the facets of public service, particularly when it comes to the Executive Branch, given his prior eight years in office as Barack Obama’s Vice-President. Today, though, Biden signed an executive order demanding that gasoline gas $7 trillion a gallon, and as he signed it, he seemed quite surprised that he was able to.
“As everyone knows, I’m a die-hard, hardcore socialist. Which is why I don’t really support canceling student loan debt, Medicare For All, or really any major super-progressive economic policy,” Biden said as he swiped his pen across the order. “So when someone told me I can just use my executive order pen to destroy an American capitalist energy company, I jumped at that chance, Buster!”
Most economists say that a single president doesn’t really have much power to sway gas prices up or down. Biden told reporters that when he awoke this morning, he agreed with those economists. However, now that he has signed the order, he understands that a new reality may just exist.
“Gas prices went up a bit in the weeks after I took office and everyone on the right was blaming me anyway,” Biden admitted. “So I figured, go big or go home, Jack! It feels great to obliterate a private industry, you know, because I’m such a dyed in the wool communist and all.”
President Biden hinted that he may make some more changes to American life soon as well.
“Hell, now that I have this unlimited power thing going on,” Biden teased, “maybe we can finally replace Lincoln on the five dollar bill with Joey Stalin. Maybe we’ll erase all the times capitalism is mentioned in the Constitution! That’s a great idea – ”
Just then an aide leaned in and whispered in Biden’s ear.
“You say that the word ‘capitalism’ isn’t even mentioned in the Constitution at all, Squirt,” Biden asked for the benefit of the reporters in the room. “Well, lookie at that, would ya? Sounds like I just leveled up my soyboy betacommie cuck powers ten-fold! BY THE POWER OF SOROS!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.