WASHINGTON, D.C. — Some on the right have accused President Joe Biden of being a so-called “Quiet Revolutionary.”
In lay terms, President Biden’s critics believe that he is in many ways far more radically-left in his policies and goals than even his former boss, President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya). One thing President Obama was never able to do, however, is win the War on Christmas. Like George W. Bush and the Iraq War before him, Obama left office having not accomplished victory in the Culture War. When President Donald John Toadstool-Shaped Penis Trump took office, he shredded any executive order Obama had signed regarding the War on Christmas.
Today, President Biden established an early beachhead in regaining control of the American Winter Holiday Industrial Complex. His political opponents claim his freshly signed executive order will strike a serious blow against Christianity in America, a country in which chocolate crucifixes are sold around Easter. The White House denies these allegations.
Regardless of his intent, Biden swiped his hand and pen across a sheet of paper on the Resolute Desk and declared it illegal to say “Marry Christmas” to anyone, at any time, for any reason.
“Look here, Buster Brown,” Biden said as he signed the order, “I’m a devout Catholic, so this does me great personal pain to do. But I’ve gotta come clean, compadres! I am every bit the radical they say I am.”
Biden paused to open a bottle of water, pour it into a glass, and drink it with one hand like a non-toddler.
“Much to my chagrin, Bub, I’ve come to learn that the only people smart enough to ferret out when a politician is lying are the people who believed a reality-TV game show host when he said you could maybe put bleach in your body to kill COVID,” Biden finished after taking a sip of the water. “They trust the guy who retweeted people named ‘at CatTurd’ and literal Nazi accounts, not me. And well, they caught me, Squirt!”
President Biden explained that as much as he is personally okay with Christmas, he has to “follow the tune the band leader’s playing.”
“And the guy waving the little stick thingy right now is George Soros, President and CEO of Antifa, Incorporated,” Biden said forcefully. “He’s callin’ the shots. He’s telling me which tune to play, and I follow the tune the band leader’s playing, Champ! He wants to end Christmas, so we’re ending Christmas. That’s it. Case closed.”
The punishment for wishing someone a Merry Christmas will be reassignment to a camp where the offender will be re-educated on Woketopian language requirements.
“Break this order, pal, and you’re going to a FEMA camp, eating only plant-based foods,” Biden said, “having a gay marriage, AND and abortion, and getting the COVID vaccine with extra 5Gs in it. That oughta straighten you out.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.