Saturday, January 16, 2021

Ben Carson Confident He’s Going to Win Donald Trump’s Chocolate Factory

WASHINGTON, D.C. — If he hangs on for just another few days, Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson will win Donald Trump’s chocolate factory; he just knows it.

“Well, I’m the last one here. Four years later, and I’m the only one left from his original cabinet,” a blinking Carson told reporters as he waited, alone, for Trump to appear so they could start the morning’s cabine briefing. “I’m pretty sure I’ll win his chocolate factory now, because I outlasted everyone and put up with the delusional and dangerous behavior of a detached billionaire.”

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In 2016, Trump surprised many by nominating Carson, a brain surgeon, to run the housing department. To that point, Dr. Carson had no relevant experience in housing or urban planning. In an interview last November, Carson said he was “proud to be leaving with just as much expertise in housing” as he came in with. Back when he was nominated to be HUD Secretary, Trump explained his reasoning.

“He’s an urban and it has urban in its name. Who the fuck else would I choose, idiot,” Trump berated the reporter who asked him about the decision at the time. “Next question, assholes.”

Over time, each and every member of Trump’s original cabinet has left. Just last week, after he incited a vicious, mob attack on the capitol building while Congress certified the Electoral College’s election of Joe Biden, Transportation Secretary Chao and Education Secretary Devos resigned, leaving Carson as the only original cabinet member still serving Trump. Carson said that he “knew the golden ticket” he found in the chocolate bar that Trump said gave him the right to serve in his administration “would pay off down the line somehow.”

“I just thought I’d get to take a tour of his whacky White Power House and see some oompa loompas,” Carson explained. “After Sean Spicer left, though, there weren’t very many of them around; not that I saw. When I take over Donald’s chocolate factory, I’ll look into where they went.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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