James Schlarmann 
Man Issues Formal Apology to Every Woman He Couldn’t Make Come
HIDDEN GORGE, CALIFORNIA — This week, fifteen women throughout the country received the same ...
Nickelback Fan Can’t Tell Who’s Socially Distancing Themselves From Him During Coronavirus Quarantine
COLD BEACH, WASHINGTON — Pat Jackson is a huge fan of the band Nickelback. ...
Report: They’re Still Fighting Over the Fucking PS4 Controllers
LOS CHICOS LUCHANDO, ARIZONA — There are more than one PS4 controller in their ...
CDC Reminder: Also Sanitize Your Butt Plugs When There’s No Pandemic
ATLANTA, GEORGIA –Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement ...
7 Fun Ways to Avoid Selling Your Kids to the Circus During Their School’s Coronavirus Quarantine
All across the country, schools are closing down in order to slow the rate ...
CDC Suggests Couples Start Using “Just the Tip”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In order to help minimize the spread of the novel coronavirus, ...
Disneyland Having All Its Caribbean Pirates Tested for Coronavirus
ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA — The Walt Disney Company announced this week that for the first ...
Quarantined Cruise Passenger: Ship Talent Show ‘Far Worse’ Than Coronavirus Outbreak
ST. FRANK, CALIFORNIA — When she boarded the Queen’s Line cruise liner in Hawaii, ...
Married Couple Might Get to Fuck Again Some Day
SAN GUILLERMO, CALIFORNIA — Neither one of them are to blame, when you get ...
Coronavirus Nominated for Best Virus In a Best Actor in a Lead Role
HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — The novel coronavirus woke up to perhaps the best news in ...