James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone ...

Man Issues Formal Apology to Every Woman He Couldn’t Bring to Orgasm

HIDDEN GORGE, CALIFORNIA — This week, fifteen women throughout the country received the same ...

Report: They’re Still Fighting Over the Fucking PS4 Controllers

LOS CHICOS LUCHANDO, ARIZONA — There are more than one PS4 controller in their ...

CDC Reminder: Also Sanitize Your Butt Plugs When There’s No Pandemic

ATLANTA, GEORGIA –Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement ...

CDC Suggests Couples Start Using “Just the Tip”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In order to help minimize the spread of the novel coronavirus, ...

Disneyland Having All Its Caribbean Pirates Tested for Coronavirus

ANASLIME, CALIFORNIA — The Walt Disney Company announced this week that for the first ...

Married Couple Might Get to Fuck Again Some Day

SAN GUILLERMO, CALIFORNIA — Neither one of them are to blame, when you get ...