James Schlarmann

Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

Local Stripper Practicing Giving Lap Dances from Six Feet Away

VALLE DE LAS CHICHIS, CALIFORNIA — Candy Sparkles is not her real name, but ...

Oprah Winfrey School of Medicine Revokes Degrees Given to Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — One of the nation’s leading reality-TV medical schools has decided to ...

Local Idiots Demand Right to Die for Retail Commerce

DUMBERG, OHIO — The village idiots of a town in Ohio stormed their town’s ...

Florida Deems Rub-n-Tug Massage Parlors ‘Essential Businesses’

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA — This week, the State of Florida labeled professional wrestling an “essential ...

Stupidfuck Training to Become Dumbfuck

MORON VALLEY, MINNESOTA — Marcus Palumbozo is a stupidfuck. He has all the certifications ...

Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse

KARMA VALLEY, OREGON — 53-year-old self-described “health guru” Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed, ...

Netflix Announces Tiger King Follow-Up: “Even More Assholes Treating Each Other Like Shit”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — Building off its tremendous popularity, Netflix has announced that they have ...

CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone ...