James Schlarmann 
Local Stripper Practicing Giving Lap Dances from Six Feet Away
VALLE DE LAS CHICHIS, CALIFORNIA — Candy Sparkles is not her real name, but ...
Oprah Winfrey School of Medicine Revokes Degrees Given to Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — One of the nation’s leading reality-TV medical schools has decided to ...
Local Idiots Demand Right to Die for Retail Commerce
DUMBERG, OHIO — The village idiots of a town in Ohio stormed their town’s ...
Florida Deems Rub-n-Tug Massage Parlors ‘Essential Businesses’
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA — This week, the State of Florida labeled professional wrestling an “essential ...
Jesus Still Doesn’t Know Why Everyone Calls the Day He Was Executed “Good Friday”
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — A visibly annoyed Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry ...
Essential Worker Not Sure Non-Essential Workers Deserve Living Wage During Pandemic
LOS PARADOXICALES, CALIFORNIA — On one of her recent lunch breaks during her shift ...
Stupidfuck Training to Become Dumbfuck
MORON VALLEY, MINNESOTA — Marcus Palumbozo is a stupidfuck. He has all the certifications ...
Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse
KARMA VALLEY, OREGON — 53-year-old self-described “health guru” Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed, ...
Netflix Announces Tiger King Follow-Up: “Even More Assholes Treating Each Other Like Shit”
HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — Building off its tremendous popularity, Netflix has announced that they have ...
CDC Says to Stop Licking Surfaces Clean Like Cats
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone ...