James Schlarmann 
CDC Releases Study Using Demonic Semen, Alien DNA, and Unicorn Blood to Treat COVID-19
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control published a highly-anticipated study on the ...
COVID-19 Forces Jesus to Delay Second Coming
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Concerns about the ongoing COVID-19 outbreak, particularly in the ...
Man and Weed Dealer Have Agreement Not to Discuss Politics
LOS BURRITOS MOJADOS, CALIFORNIA — Every couple of weeks, 40 year old computer programmer ...
CDC Warns Libertarians: There Is No Nerd Immunity from COVID-19
ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control has issued an urgent warning to ...
Disney Assures Visitors They Can Still Hurl Racist Insults at Employees While Riding Updated Splash Mountain
ANALSLIME, CALIFORNIA — This week, Disney became the latest corporation to reconcile its problematic ...
Surgeons Asphyxiating From Wearing Masks Up 10,000,000,000,000% Since COVID-19 Outbreak
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The National Medical Research Institute of America has just ...
Police Union Suggests Banning Camera Phones Would Eliminate Brutality and Excessive Force
LA VALLE DE PUERCA, CALIFORNIA — The United National Fraternity of Law Enforcement, one ...
NASCAR Assures Fans They’ll See Confederate Flag Before Every Final Lap
DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA — Yesterday, NASCAR announced that it was banning the display of ...
Cop Would Rather Resign and Only Beat His Wife If He Can’t Have a Tank and Machine Gun At Work
KEITEL, MINNESOTA — Lt. Chad Jughedd is “about as pissed off” as he’s ever ...
Alphabet Announces New Porn-Only Web Browser Called “Google Cream”
SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — For years now, millions of users have surfed websites ...