Saturday, September 18, 2021
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AUTHOR NAME

James Schlarmann

841 POSTS
1 COMMENTS
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

Harvard Med School Opens the Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Virology Research Center

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS -- Harvard Medical School has accepted a large grant from pop star Dr. Nicki Minaj, and will open a brand new virology...

Trump Demands the Electoral College Declare Larry Elder Governor of California

FART-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH -- Over the course of four years, Donald Trump got quite used to issuing orders and having them carried out at...

New Policy Lets DeSantis Punch Kids in the Mouth for Wearing a Mask

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- A new policy instituted by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) allows him to punch "any and all students" he encounters who are...

Mississippi Law Labels the Pull-Out Method “Proto Abortion” and Outlaws It

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI -- Pundits have been wondering if the Supreme Court's lack of action on the new six-week abortion ban in Texas would send...

Abbott Unsure How to Eliminate Rapists from Texas and Still Host Trump Rallies

AUSTIN, TEXGHANISTAN -- Gov. Greg Abbott (Q) promised reporters and Texghanistan natives alike this week that rape victims have nothing to worry about when...

Pro-Life Baker Devastated When Open Bag of Flour Spills and Aborts His Cake

SCHLAFLY RIVER, TEXAS-- 56-year-old Kellen Masteroni has been a baker in his small Texas town for most of his adult life. He began working...

“Let Me Explain Why Rapists Might Be Entitled to $10,000” by Gov. Greg Abbott

The following editorial was written by Gov. Greg Abbott (Taliban-TX), concerning his state's new 6-week abortion ban. Included in the law is a provision...

Amazon Starts Same-Day Coat Hanger Deliveries to All Texas Counties

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON -- Retail monolith Amazon is adding a new service to certain states in America that will deliver specialized items the same day...

Highly Anticipated Durham Report Concludes Joe Biden is Still Donald Trump’s President

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For more than a year, pro-MAGA Americans have been on pins and needles awaiting its arrival. Now, finally, Inspector General John...

Pat Robertson Blames ‘Hot Men Doing Sexy Times on Each Other’s Fannies’ for California Wildfires

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- Televangelist Pat Robertson has been watching the developments in California this week quite closely, however it's not the potential recall...

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