James Schlarmann 
Bill Gates Announces Windows COVID-19 Operating System
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — In just a couple of weeks, Microsoft will launch its newest ...
World Shocked to Discover Billionaire Just Entitled Sociopath Asshole
SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire and Likely Cartoon Villain Elon Musk wanted his ...
Local Militia Group Preparing to Liberate Chick-Fil-A Dining Room From Coronavirus Lockdown
SISTER BANGER, KENTUCKY — They don’t know exactly when, but the members of Kentucky’s ...
Protesters Demand Right to Congregate During Zombie Outbreak
ROMERO, MICHIGAN — A group of about three hundred took to their local city ...
Dipshits Flock to Beaches to Help Stop Stopping Spread of Coronavirus
Researchers at the Centers For Uncontrolled Diseases excitedly announced today that, thanks to this ...
Local Stripper Practicing Giving Lap Dances from Six Feet Away
VALLE DE LAS CHICHIS, CALIFORNIA — Candy Sparkles is not her real name, but ...
Oprah Winfrey School of Medicine Revokes Degrees Given to Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — One of the nation’s leading reality-TV medical schools has decided to ...
Local Idiots Demand Right to Die for Retail Commerce
DUMBERG, OHIO — The village idiots of a town in Ohio stormed their town’s ...
Florida Deems Rub-n-Tug Massage Parlors ‘Essential Businesses’
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA — This week, the State of Florida labeled professional wrestling an “essential ...
Jesus Still Doesn’t Know Why Everyone Calls the Day He Was Executed “Good Friday”
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — A visibly annoyed Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry ...