Saturday, December 3, 2022

Astronaut Worried He Doesn’t Have All The Wrong Stuff For Trump’s Space Force

CAPE JUSTICE, FLORIDA — Astronaut Commander Michael Deckster has been one of the world’s most highly trained pilots for more than a decade and a half. It was his exemplary record as a Navy pilot during the first years of the Afghanistan War that put Cmdr Dexter on NASA’s radar. Deckster is considered an elite astronaut, having flown several successful space missions. When President Trump announced at a rally at Miramar Airbase that he wanted the U.S. to form a “Space Force,” Deckster just assumed he’d be getting a call from the Pentagon, offering him a top position in the new branch of the armed forces.

When Commander Deckster reached out to the Pentagon, however, to find out if he should start preparing himself for the training regimen he’d need to go through in order to qualify for Trump’s new Space Force, he started to get the feeling he wasn’t the right man for the job.

“I just don’t know if I have all the wrong stuff for the job,” Deckster told us via Skype. “I mean, when they told me the qualifications, I was a little shocked. It didn’t really seem like they knew what they were doing, frankly. Which is of course extremely shocking, given how competent the Trump administration usually looks.”

Deckster was told that only the “bigly-est and most tremendous” Americans would be eligible for the Space Force. He was told that candidates will be “pro-MAGA, pro-gun, and willing to pledge allegiance and fealty to Emperor Trump, who is now the Senate.” Commander Deckster says he was taken aback by what he heard.

“They even said there’s going to be a maximum IQ they’ll allow in their Space Force cadets. They said it was so as many Trump supporters could sign up as possible,” Deckster said.

Deckster was also somewhat alarmed at the equipment designs and proposals he was shown when he visited the Pentagon to talk about becoming part of Trump’s Space Force. Commander Deckster says that the schematics he saw looked “extremely simplistic” and some didn’t even look like they were capable of, or even designed for, space flight. Deckster says he relayed his concerns to the top brass he spoke to.

“I mean, one ship design I saw was just a cardboard refrigerator box that Trump thinks they can just launch into space with a massive rubber band,” Deckster said.

The weapons that Trump wants to use are also cause for concern, Deckster said.

“He said he wants laser swords like in Star Trek, I was told. Except we don’t have that technology obviously,” Deckster said. “So he’s just going to give Space Force cadets a flashlight and tell them to make the humming, buzzing, and striking sounds themselves like he watched his three sons do while they grew up and he banged porn stars, models, and other desperate women.”

UPDATE: Commander Deckster has decided against joining the Space Force and will instead devout his time to something for more realistic — proving the existence of God.

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