AUSTIN, TEXGHANISTAN — Gov. Greg Abbott (Q) promised reporters and Texghanistan natives alike this week that rape victims have nothing to worry about when it comes to life in the Lone Star State. When asked about the new six-week abortion ban he just signed into law, and its lack of exemptions for victims of rape, Abbott insisted that he’d “eliminate” rapists instead.
As difficult of a proposition it was to remove every rapist and would-be rapist from the state, Abbott really stuck his foot in it with the de facto leader of his political party. Reportedly, not long after he proclaimed that he’d make Texas rapist-free, Abbott received what witnesses called a “rushed, angry, and clearly panicked” phone call from a friend in Florida.
“GREG! GREG! WHAT THE EVER-LOVING-FUCK, GREG,” the shouts and demands from the person on the other end of the phone could be heard from across the room. “NO MORE RAPISTS IN TEXGHANISTAN, GREG?! GUESS I SHOULD CANCEL THAT TRUMP RALLY, SHOUDN’T I?!”
Abbott reportedly went gray. His skin was cold and clammy. He’d done it; he’d upset the Big Guy, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to get out of this mess.
“Now, sir, please understand I had to say SOMETHING. I had to give them something to print, that didn’t make it seem like I’m pretty much okay with rape,” Abbott tried. “So I said I’d do something that I really can’t do anyway, you know, throw them off the scent. I’ll make a few appearances, I’ll repeat my anti-rapist policy a few times, but it’s not like I’m going to start tossing rapists out of the state; do you know how much of my base are Rapist Americans, Don?”
Trump was still furious.
“I AM STILL FURIOUS, GREG! ANGRY, DO YOU HEAR ME,” the man demanded. “I WAS GONNA HAVE A FEW MAGA RALLIES, GREG, IN YOUR SHIT HOLE STATE, GREG, BUT NOW I AM NOT SURE I FEEL VERY WELCOME, THANKS TO YOUR NO-RAPISTS POLICY! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS, GREG?!”
A frantic and nervous Abbott told the man on the other end of the line that “no matter what” the Trump rallies were going to happen, and that he would “personally protect” the former, one term, twice forever impeached president from any legal harm while he’s in Texghanistan.
“As God as my witness, I will protect you. I will protect anyone who wants to rape in the name of making babies and/or MAGA,” Abbott assured the other man. “Please, I beg you, just give me some time. I’ll figure out how to be anti-rapist but still pro-Trump. If I can be pro-life and anti-poor people and still call myself a Christian, I’m sure I can pull this off, too.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.