AUSTIN, TEXAS — “Herp derp! Me small government conservative! Me hate socialism! Me want keep government from being tie-ran-ickle,” Texas Gov. Greg Abbott said while eating pudding with a fork and signing a new executive order this afternoon, “and now me also sign this paper and it illegal for private company do anything about COVID, I mean Democrat hoax! Sorry, Mr. Trump! Don’t send your goons after me, okay?”
Abbott picked his nose, named the booger “Boogie,” and then ate it. Then, he removed a bottle of paste from his inner jacket pocket. Abbott opened the paste and rubbed it all over his top lip, inhaling deeply as he did. Finally, he pulled a little fork out of his other jacket pocket and started absentmindedly tapping it near and around a power strip on top of his desk, where his computer was plugged into.
“Me sign this cuz me hate big government telling little guy what do,” Abbott said, farting and stopping to sniff his own fart. “Me sign this cuz libtards hurt Don Trump’s feelings and count all votes. Me sign this cuz me not really care who lives or dies once we get them born out of their mommy’s hoochy-coos.”
Next, Abbott removed a cheese grater and started rubbing his face with it. As blood poured down his face, Abbott began slicing a lemon. Next, he squeezed the juices from the lemon into the open wounds on his face.
“Me not like comm-u-mism cuz me not like dictators! That why me sign order that dictates to companies what they can do with own business,” Abbott said, eating boogers and grating his face the whole time. “ME NOT LIKE BIG GOVERNMENT! ME SIGN ORDER! ME GOOD PATRIOT!”
It’s unclear if the Department of Justice will sue Abbott over this law, as it already has over the new six week abortion ban he signed into law last month. The DOJ could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.