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Monthly Archives: August, 2021

Texas Woman Files for Joint Custody Over Boyfriend’s Sperm

BAWSAK, TEXAS -- When Gov. Greg Abbot (Q-Gilead) signed SB8 into law, many wondered just what kind of Pandora's box he opened by making...

Rip Van Winkle Worries Chuck Grassley Too Young and Inexperienced for Eighth Term

This morning, the living carbon fossil Chuck Grassley announced that he would be running for his eighth term in the U.S. Senate, representing the...

Dead Heat in “Dumbest Donald Trump in the World” Competition

FARTS-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH -- An annual competition to find the world's dumbest man named "Donald Trump" is a statistical tie at this point. Each...

Stephen Miller Hospitalized With ‘Self-Inflicted Crotch Wound’ After Watching Border Patrol Whip Brown People

REICH LAGOON, FLORIDA -- Former White House senior race war adviser Stephen Miller is reportedly in "serious, but stable condition" after suffering what doctors...

Bleach and Coat Hangers Sold Out in 65% of Texas Counties

In well over half of the counties in Texas, consumers won't be able to find any household bleach, or buy any new coat hangers...

Harvard Med School Opens the Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Virology Research Center

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS -- Harvard Medical School has accepted a large grant from pop star Dr. Nicki Minaj, and will open a brand new virology...

Trump Demands the Electoral College Declare Larry Elder Governor of California

FART-A LOT-GO, FLORIDUH -- Over the course of four years, Donald Trump got quite used to issuing orders and having them carried out at...

New Policy Lets DeSantis Punch Kids in the Mouth for Wearing a Mask

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- A new policy instituted by Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) allows him to punch "any and all students" he encounters who are...

Mississippi Law Labels the Pull-Out Method “Proto Abortion” and Outlaws It

JACKSON, MISSISSIPPI -- Pundits have been wondering if the Supreme Court's lack of action on the new six-week abortion ban in Texas would send...

Abbott Unsure How to Eliminate Rapists from Texas and Still Host Trump Rallies

AUSTIN, TEXGHANISTAN -- Gov. Greg Abbott (Q) promised reporters and Texghanistan natives alike this week that rape victims have nothing to worry about when...

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