Nobody thought she could do it. They all said she was “crazy.” Some said she merely “looks like a buck toothed, drawling fuckwit” and is “stupid as fuck.” But she did it today, no matter what her words made it sound like. No matter how rushed, scared, and absolutely full of shit she sounded today, Sidney Powell easily connected all the dots on a massive, global conspiracy to defraud the American electorate, and it’s a conspiracy that involves the a dead South American dictator, a mythological aquatic creature, and Joe Biden.
“I will explain all of this to you simpletons in a way that your brains can understand,” Powell said with a condescending sneer, “so please, write it down so you can read it back later and understand it better. Try to keep up, assholes.”
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Powell then launched into a fifteen minute tirade, accusing everyone from deceased dictator Hugo Chavez to the cast of 1980’s sitcom “Punky Brewster” of conspiring to steal votes from President Trump.
“And you want to know what’s worse? George Soros personally personally paid for the Uber that Nessie took to the DNC headquarters in Cuba,” Powell said with smug confidence. “The only reason you don’t already know this is that you’re not asking they right questions in your reports. Specifically, you’re not calling me after my nightly huff of nitrous!”
Behind Powell, Rudy Giuliani laughed and drank from a Big Gulp cup of gin. Powell held up a stack of papers she said were affidavits alleging eyewitness accounts of Hugo Chavez coming back from the grave and ordering the Loch Ness Monster to eat any and all Trump votes it found. Powell accused the media of “hiding the alternative facts” from American citizens.
“You know Rudy brought up My Cousin Vinny, and that was quite good of him to do, because this goes all the way up to Joe Pesci,” Powell insinuated. “All the way up! And do I need to remind you who Joe Pesci is?! He’s one of the damn Wet Bandits! Now we know why the Trump campaign offices in Arizona were flooded!”
Throughout her ranting, Ms. Powell was farting quite profusely. Reporters noted that her farts smelled and even tasted quite a bit like the farts that President Trump lets fly during his own tirades. It’s unclear at this time if there is a connection between the two’s farts, or if their farts just so happen to be similarly smelly.
“I’ll just wrap up with this, because clearly what I’ve said today is so obvious it almost didn’t need to be said, but I’m glad I did say it because none of you assholes have been reporting what I write in my journal,” Powell said, “if you’re not making calls as soon as this conference is over, getting information out of Nessie or the Ghost of Hugo Chavez, you are truly the enemies of the people our Dear President said you are!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.