Trump Assures Ivanka She’ll Always Be His First Lady and Bottom Bitch

WASHINGTON, D.C. — None of the legal proceedings initiated by the Trump campaign have resulted in any reported results or projections being changed or retracted. Despite his quite numerous, vociferous claims to the contrary, it would appear that Donald Trump’s presidential career has, for now at least, been terminated early, and he did in fact lose the election on November 3rd, 2020.

As sources close to the president are reporting that he is starting to process and deal with his tremendously sad emotions over losing, President Trump is reassuring members of his inner circle that he still cherishes and values them.

RELATED: Eric Trump: “You Can Tell The Election Was Rigged Because Daddy Didn’t Win!”

“My darling Ivanka! Don’t fret, my sexy one,” Trump was overheard telling his daughter this morning. “Win, lose, or Billy Barr backed coup, you will always be my First Lady,” the president told Ivanka. “You were the first lady I ever truly loved in that boner-inducing way that only you have about you, my dear. I will never, ever stop lusting after you, and I will go to my death bed regretting how cucky everyone is about banging your own offspring, regretting never getting a chance to truly grab you by that puss that’s half my DNA.”

Not only will she always be his First Lady, President Trump told Ivanka that he’ll always consider her his “Bottom Bitch.”

“You know what that is, don’t you, Vanky Baby? It’s what pimps call their number one, favorite, go to ho,” Trump explained to his daughter, “and you will always be my favorite ho! You’ll be the first one I pimp out to the media, the first one I put on magazine covers and in front of microphones. I will pimp you out, my dear daughter, no matter whether I’m president or not.”

Trump did not offer such assurances to all of his children, however.

“What about me Diddums?! Will you always love me,” Eric Trump asked his father over lunch today.

The president didn’t want to say.

“I don’t really want to say,” the president said. “We’ll see, Eric. You’re not really my type, son, but I’d say there’s at least some chance I’ll always love you.”

President Trump judged that he will continue to love his youngest child Barron, after he leaves office. He decided though, that Donald Jr will not be loved once Joe Biden is sworn in. There was on Trump child, however, that the president couldn’t offer an opinion on, one way or the other.

“Tiff-a-who? Never fuckin’ heard of her,” Trump said when asked about his other daughter. “She doesn’t look enough like Vanky for me anyway, but, no, never heard of her.”

RELATED: Citing Pending Litigation, the Black Knight Refuses to Concede

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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