WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a moment of unforeseen and rare candor, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell admitted that he is a “wrinkly fuckstick traitor,” however he insisted that fact doesn’t negate President Trump’s right to pursue legal challenges to the election.
Last week, though it took a few days to get enough votes counted to project a winner, eventually that task was completed and all the major news outlets projected that Donald Trump has lost to Joe Biden in a fairly resounding defeat. When the dust settles, it appears that no matter what happens in his legal challenges to state counts, Trump simply will not have what he needs to muster a victory. That fact, however, didn’t stop McConnell from giving Trump the green light, from the Senate floor, to keep pursuing his legal challenges.
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McConnell, in a floor speech, echoed much of what he said in a tweet earlier in the week. The Kentucky Republican referred to “legal” votes in the same way other Trump surrogates have, though there has yet to be any evidence brought forth that illegal votes have had any impact on the election. McConnell seems content to straddle a line between encouraging Trump to gum up and slow down the transition and pretending to care about democratic norms.
Here’s how this must work in our great country: Every legal vote should be counted. Any illegally-submitted ballots must not. All sides must get to observe the process. And the courts are here to apply the laws & resolve disputes.
That's how Americans' votes decide the result.
— Leader McConnell (@senatemajldr) November 6, 2020
Today, McConnell was spotted at a local D.C. area diner having lunch with Senators Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham, both fellow Republicans. McConnell was asked about how feels when he’s accused of being a “traitor” for not supporting the will of the American people and counseling President Trump to accept the very clear and obvious results of the election. The Kentucky coal lover laughed hysterically.
“You think I give a shit what Americans who don’t vote for me think? I’d sell my own mother out if it meant I thought it was a victory for our glorious Republican Party,” McConnell explained. “So maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m a wrinkly fuckstick traitor. But that doesn’t mean Trump shouldn’t contest every state he lost.”
Sen. Majority Leader McConnell grew angrier as he explained his actions further.
“I need to make myself perfectly clear here. Whether or not I am a wrinkled up, racist bag of cunt, which I most assuredly am,” McConell said, “does not change my advice to the president that he drag this out as long as he can. What’s the harm? Other than riling up ammo hoarding idiots, I mean? And really, since they’d be coming after libtards, why should I care at all? That’s right. I don’t. I’m Mitch McConnell. I don’t care about anyone but Mitch McConnell. Now go fuck yourselves, America.”
McConnell spent the rest of the lunch giving the reporters the finger while he shoveled gravy covered fried chicken into the flaps of skin around his mouth.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.